Sexual Harassment Support
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Get the message across
Tell the offender their attention is unwanted. Set clear, verbal boundaries. Ignoring the behavior
actually encourages it to continue. Don't expect the person to read your mind to learn how you feel
about what they are doing. The only way they will know the attention is unwanted is if you tell them it is
unwanted. Be firm and direct:
- Tell the harasser what they have done--name the behavior. Be specific, straightforward, and
blunt.
- Demand that the behavior stop.
- Say "No!" like you mean it. Don't be wishy-washy. Don't say "I have a boyfriend," or "I have a
girlfriend," or "I'm married," as this is not the same thing as saying "No." It implies you would
welcome the attention if you were not in a relationship. Plus, many harassers will be
encouraged by the prospects of cheating with you.
- Hold the harasser accountable. Don't make excuses for them. Do not pretend nothing has
happened. Don't fret about protecting their feelings, or protecting them from feeling rejected.
- Make it clear that everyone has the right to be free from sexual harassment. Objecting to
harassment is a matter of principle.
- Stand your ground and stick to your own agenda. Don't respond to the harasser's excuses or
diversionary tactics. Harassers will often try to draw you into a dialogue or argument about why
you should submit to their demands. Refuse to discuss the issue with them as this can become
a power game in itself. Also, do not allow yourself to be manipulated by others into backing
down.
- Remember, the harasser's behavior is the issue--not your behavior.
- Reinforce your statements with strong, self-respecting body language: eye contact, head up,
shoulders back, a strong, serious stance. Don't smile. Timid, submissive body language will
undermine your message. If the harassment continues, repeat yourself if you have to.
- Respond at the appropriate level. If the harassment was physical, combine your verbal response
with a physical one (i.e. grasp their arm firmly while saying "No!")
- Talk about the harassment to others. Staying silent protects harassers.
(Adapted from "Back Off")
Learn to set your own boundaries. If setting boundaries is new to you, try some role playing with a
friend. Practice confronting the problem with your friend playing the role of the harasser.
If necessary, you may be able to get professional advice and support with this. In the workplace, human
resources offices often have "conflict resolution specialists" or mediators who can offer advice. For
peer harassment at school, the school counselor may be of help, and many colleges and universities
have Ombuds departments that offer mediation services. (However, make it clear you are just here for
advice on how to confront the situation, and not to make a formal complaint yet.)
Important note: Schools and some companies are now requiring immediate intervention if they
learn there is sexual harassment occurring. Schools require intervention if they find out one of
their employees is doing the harassing. In the workplace, many companies require an
investigation regardless of the harasser's place in their hierarchy. (Find out the policy where you
work.) You may want to be careful who you talk to, or be sure of the timing, otherwise you may
end up in a formal investigation without wanting to be, or before you are ready.
If you simply cannot summon the courage to talk to the offender face to face, start with a letter or email.
Be sure and save a copy and copies of any further correspondence. (This will also give you
documentation that you tried to confront the situation yourself, which you may need later on.)
Document
Document the harassment: Keep a log of what is happening, particularly if the perpetrator is a
superior (supervisor, teacher, etc.). Document each incident, including dates, times, names of
witnesses, etc. Save e-mails to a disc and keep it at home. Do not throw away any mail or email that is
related to the harassment, even if the mail is anonymous.
Find witnesses to what transpired, or arrange to have witnesses when you are in the presence of the
person who is bothering or harassing you.
If it is legal in your state or country, tape record interactions and meetings with the harasser/s by carrying
a hidden, voice-activated tape recorder, or wear a "wire" connected to a tape recorder. If the harassment
occurs repeatedly in the same place, such as your office or cubicle, try hiding a motion-triggered camera
to capture video-taped evidence. AKA "nanny cams," you can buy these already installed in bases such
as digital clocks, books, and air fresheners.
Document negative actions: Document any negative actions that you experience because of your
refusal to submit to sexually harassing behavior. For example, document if you are given a poor
evaluation, a demotion, or low grade.
Document your work and/or school performance. Your performance may be questioned in the
aftermath of a rejection or a formal complaint. For example, the harasser may question your work or
school performance in order to justify their behavior towards you. At SHS, we are hearing stories of
employers responding to harassment complaints by immediately scrutinizing the complainant's work
performance, looking for any weaknesses they can find to use against them. One employer was so
blatant, he told the woman outright he was doing this.
To protect yourself, keep copies of performance evaluations and memos that attest to the quality of your
work. Save papers and exams that have comments by your professors. Ask for written
recommendations from your supervisors or teachers that you can keep on file for later.
Formal complaints
Be smart about it: Have all your ducks-in-a-row before you make a formal complaint.
Begin with available grievance channels: If the behavior continues, use whatever grievance
procedures are available at your school or workplace. In the workplace, the human resources
department is usually responsible for dealing with sexual harassment complaints, at least initially. At
school, sexual harassment will be in the "domain" of any number of departments: affirmative action
office, ombudsman, student affairs office, dean of students, etc. (Your Student Handbook should be
able to tell you which department handles sexual harassment grievances.) Mediation may be the best,
first step with peer harassment. But be aware that the primary goal of any department you consult will
be to protect the school or business from liability--ethics are not likely to guide their decisions, nor will
they be likely to guide many of the people involved in your situation. In many cases, complainants are
treated like "the enemy."
Be able to show them you tried to handle it: If you plan to make a formal complaint, it is best if you can
show them you tried to deal with the situation yourself, first, and in a constructive manner. If the problem
is serious enough to make a formal complaint over, then it is serious enough to communicate about to
the offender first. Plus, doing this makes it harder for anyone to say you are just a trouble-maker, which
is the common response of a company when they are faced with harassment complaints. (See "Get
the Message Across" at the top of this page for pointers on how to say "No.")
Have proof: Be sure you have witnesses or documented proof that the harassment occurred.
Harassers will often lie, saying it never happened, and it becomes a "She said, he said" situation. With
proof, it makes it easier for a company to investigate and deal with the problem.
Power in numbers: Find others who have had similar experiences with the harasser, or within the
environment where the harassment is occurring. See if they will join you or support your complaint.
This is particularly helpful when the harasser is crafty about engaging in the behavior when there are no
witnesses. If there are numerous complaints by multiple people, it is harder for anyone to dispute the
word of the victims.
Document retaliation: Retaliation for complaining about sexual harassment is also illegal. Document
any instances you experience just as you would the harassment. It is likely that the majority of the
hostility comes from colleagues of the harasser, but this does not change the legality. All retaliation is
unlawful regardless of who is doing it.
Keep notes of meetings and phone conferences: Be sure to keep detailed notes of every meeting you
have regarding the harassment, including dates, names of participants, and the meeting results. If
possible, you might want to tape record the meetings, or bring an advocate or friend so you have a
witness to what transpired. It is also a good idea to send written summaries of the results to the
attendees after each meeting. (It shows the institution you are keeping on top of things, and that you
mean business.)
Stay composed: This is very, very important. Remain calm and professional during the entire process.
Your demeanor and psychological state will be under scrutiny, and everyone involved will be questioning
your motives. Save your emotions for a private counselor's office, family, or friends outside the
harassment environment. Don't respond to the situation in a way that gives ammunition to the other
side, where they love to discredit harassment complainants on the grounds they cannot deal with
conflict constructively. Some harassment targets have been written up, threatened with termination, or
fired outright, for creating a "hostile environment" themselves because they handled an harassment
complaint so destructively.
Consult with a legal advocate: Consulting with an experienced advocate early on can help you avoid
making mistakes in the process, particularly if you are being harassed by a superior (for example, your
employer, supervisor, or a teacher). Also, keep the consultation confidential. Getting legal advise does
not mean you plan to sue, but those around you may over-react if they know you are talking to legal
professionals about the situation. (We have heard reports of people being fired when their employers
learned a lawyer had been consulted.)
Research your options: If the problem continues or worsens, there are a number of legal options for
you to take. If you are thinking of taking legal action, it is best for you to not leave school or your job
without consulting a lawyer first. Note: institutions, particularly universities, have been known to drag
out investigations so that too much time passes for the victim to file a lawsuit later on--there is usually a
1 year statute of limitations on cases. If you suspect this is happening, go ahead and consult a lawyer
now.
Note on workplace harassment: In most cases, a lawyer will require that you file with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) before they will take on your case. The EEOC will only
rule on cases where the harassment occurred within the last year, so the incidents will have to be
relatively recent. It is best that you do not leave your job if you are thinking about filing a formal
complaint with the EEOC, as this will weaken your case.
Note on sexual harassed in school: Recent changes to Title IX hold academic institutions more liable
for protecting sexual harassment complainants from retaliation. Also, your identity must be kept
confidential except where necessary for investigative purposes. Know your rights in this process ahead
of time. If the institutional grievance channels do not clear up the situation, besides contacting a lawyer,
contact the U.S. Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights.
For more information about the sexual harassment and the legal process (i.e. state laws, international
laws, more legal resources) refer to the support forum library.
What You Can Do If You Are Being Sexually Harassed
A support community for anyone who has experienced sexual harassment.