There is a disturbing trend going on regarding the sexual harassment issue–that is, some people are using harassment law as an excuse to stop setting their own boundaries.
What is happening is that, after experiencing behavior that they find offensive, rather than saying anything about it to the trangressor, the complainant runs straight to the boss or Human Resources, often filing a formal complaint. Even worse, this can happen after the tiniest transgression.
This is not only an abuse of harassment law, it makes a mockery of REAL harassment situations when a perpetrator is out of control or inflicting serious, consistent abuse upon another. (I’m sorry, but it makes me angry when a complainant wants financial compensation after a coworker keeps brushing against her at the water cooler–particularly when the “victim” never said anything about it to the “brusher” in the first place.)
One of the problems is that many people–particularly women–have trouble setting boundaries. We can be too worried about hurting feelings or making others angry, and minimize our own needs in the process. We worry too much about being “liked” and accepted. In the end, we end up the ones that are angry or with the hurt feelings.
If someone is speaking to you in a way you do not like, or if they are touching you someplace you do not like–say something about it to them. If they are invading your space, let them know. Do it politely, but firmly.
Sexual harassment has to do with unwanted sexual attention, yet the “harasser” will not know that the attention is unwanted unless you tell them. Yes, some people do deliberately test the boundaries, seeing how far that they can go with you. Others may have no idea they are doing anything offensive, particularly in multi-cultural settings where different types of people have different senses of space.
Also, it may be a simple miscommunication between two people who don’t share the same first language. I’ve read emails and posts from women who were outraged at something that was said to them at work, or on the street, when it was obvious that they were mis-hearing the pronunciation. English was not the first language of one of the people involved, and something innocent was misconstrued as something sexual.
Take responsibility for your own boundaries and safety. Stop being so “nice.” Truth is, most people don’t respect “niceness.” Niceness doesn’t make you a good person. Niceness isn’t decency, or honesty, or integrity, or kindness. Niceness is really just a manipulation–and it won’t make you popular.
If you don’t like what someone is doing, tell them to “Stop!” Don’t go running to the boss, or Human Resources, or the principal if you haven’t tried to remedy the situation yourself, first. Don’t file an “harassment” complaint against someone who may not even be aware that they are harassing you. It may even be a simple miscommunication.
If you don’t know how to set boundaries. There are websites, and books on the topic. Do some role-playing with a friend. Practice saying “No!” in situations where you tend to freeze.
Most importantly, give the situation a chance to be worked through between the you and the transgressor before you go running to management. Frankly it isn’t really harassment until you have communicated your wishes, and they have been ignored. To immediately report an “harassment” situation when you haven’t tried to do anything about it yourself is, well, very lame. Frankly, you could be the one guilty of trying to create a hostile environment.
Yes, there are cases of extreme behavior that warrant going straight to someone in authority. (If your boss walks into your office and promptly exposes himself, I would think a quick trip to HR would be justified.) But most don’t fit this scenario. If not an accident or a miscommunication, most harassment is pretty mild, and often not even directed at the person who is being offended.
If the person doesn’t like you after you have said something, then screw them! You don’t need someone this childish in your sphere. (Oh, and their not liking you afterwards is NOT a form of retaliation–bizarrely, it’s common for some to think it is.)
