There is a disturbing trend going on regarding the sexual harassment issue–that is, some people are using harassment law as an excuse to stop setting their own boundaries.
What is happening is that, after experiencing behavior that they find offensive, rather than saying anything about it to the trangressor, the complainant runs straight to the boss or Human Resources, often filing a formal complaint. Even worse, this can happen after the tiniest transgression.
This is not only an abuse of harassment law, it makes a mockery of REAL harassment situations when a perpetrator is out of control or inflicting serious, consistent abuse upon another. (I’m sorry, but it makes me angry when a complainant wants financial compensation after a coworker keeps brushing against her at the water cooler–particularly when the “victim” never said anything about it to the “brusher” in the first place.)
One of the problems is that many people–particularly women–have trouble setting boundaries. We can be too worried about hurting feelings or making others angry, and minimize our own needs in the process. We worry too much about being “liked” and accepted. In the end, we end up the ones that are angry or with the hurt feelings.
If someone is speaking to you in a way you do not like, or if they are touching you someplace you do not like–say something about it to them. If they are invading your space, let them know. Do it politely, but firmly.
Sexual harassment has to do with unwanted sexual attention, yet the “harasser” will not know that the attention is unwanted unless you tell them. Yes, some people do deliberately test the boundaries, seeing how far that they can go with you. Others may have no idea they are doing anything offensive, particularly in multi-cultural settings where different types of people have different senses of space.
Also, it may be a simple miscommunication between two people who don’t share the same first language. I’ve read emails and posts from women who were outraged at something that was said to them at work, or on the street, when it was obvious that they were mis-hearing the pronunciation. English was not the first language of one of the people involved, and something innocent was misconstrued as something sexual.
Take responsibility for your own boundaries and safety. Stop being so “nice.” Truth is, most people don’t respect “niceness.” Niceness doesn’t make you a good person. Niceness isn’t decency, or honesty, or integrity, or kindness. Niceness is really just a manipulation–and it won’t make you popular.
If you don’t like what someone is doing, tell them to “Stop!” Don’t go running to the boss, or Human Resources, or the principal if you haven’t tried to remedy the situation yourself, first. Don’t file an “harassment” complaint against someone who may not even be aware that they are harassing you. It may even be a simple miscommunication.
If you don’t know how to set boundaries. There are websites, and books on the topic. Do some role-playing with a friend. Practice saying “No!” in situations where you tend to freeze.
Most importantly, give the situation a chance to be worked through between the you and the transgressor before you go running to management. Frankly it isn’t really harassment until you have communicated your wishes, and they have been ignored. To immediately report an “harassment” situation when you haven’t tried to do anything about it yourself is, well, very lame. Frankly, you could be the one guilty of trying to create a hostile environment.
Yes, there are cases of extreme behavior that warrant going straight to someone in authority. (If your boss walks into your office and promptly exposes himself, I would think a quick trip to HR would be justified.) But most don’t fit this scenario. If not an accident or a miscommunication, most harassment is pretty mild, and often not even directed at the person who is being offended.
If the person doesn’t like you after you have said something, then screw them! You don’t need someone this childish in your sphere. (Oh, and their not liking you afterwards is NOT a form of retaliation–bizarrely, it’s common for some to think it is.)
I agree with your comments for the most part, but I also would like to take issue with the comment about reporting without doing something about it first. As an example, I was in a situation with a coworker that was getting worse and worse. Everything was “mild” but it was clear that my attempts to set him straight were not being heeded. At some point, he made another “mild” comment about my attire that I took to my manager. Not to file harassment per se, but to say “I’m having trouble getting through, what do you suggest I do?” and her response was “I can talk to him if you’d like”, which worked for me.
My point, which I hope you’ll agree with, is that most women are “doing something” about it, even if that something is inadequate or unclear. A manager or HR should be able to “do the dirty work” without making her feel “lame” for having to bring someone else in. Is that a fair comment?
Comment by Rachel — March 5, 2009 @ 7:07 pm
I think you did exactly the right thing–you said something first, and when that didn’t have effect, then you went to HR.
Some people really don’t realize they are being offensive, and others are insensitive jerks. Maybe it’s just all a misunderstanding…but you won’t know who, or what, you are dealing with if you don’t say something first.
Of course, it would be much harder if the person were a supervisor or employer…
I am sorry to say you are very incorrect. The truth is, most harassment targets don’t do what you did. Most ignore the conduct and hope the harasser “gets the hint,” particularly young women. Many laugh and try to pretend it’s funny and that they don’t care, when they really do.(I have hundreds of survey responses, plus communications from hundreds of harassment victims as proof of this.) And they get angrier and angrier as the situation continues or escalates. When they finally do something about it, when and if they finally say something, they say it to HR.
Believe me, it is better to say something to someone, anyone, rather than let it keep going on and on and on…but women expect people to read their minds about almost any kind of conduct they don’t like. (They do this to other women, too.)
Why should you feel “lame” at confronting conduct that is disrespectful of you or even abusive? Would you feel the same about speaking out about racial comments or racist actions?
It’s the “niceness” issue again. STOP IT!!!! Women need to stop selling themselves so short. DON’T BE AFRAID TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!!
Comment by Jennifer — March 5, 2009 @ 9:16 pm
Okay, it sounds like we’re on the same page. I did absolutely have serious words with my coworker, and he acted like he got it, but he backslid. And then I talked to him again, and again. And at some point felt like I was giving him attention for being bad, if that makes sense. The irony is that even after our manager talked to him, he was still behaving inappropriately which suggests that it wasn’t just about how I said it. And then my manager brought HR in, at which point he finally got the message.
Comment by Rachel — March 6, 2009 @ 2:01 am
PS – I was quoting your use of the word lame for someone who doesn’t directly confront someone first. I’m known for being very assertive, and even I can sympathize with the various reasons someone might not want to confront directly. It could be a supervisor, that’s pretty awkward. But it’s also not confronting precisely for all the reasons you suggest: that behavior is often ambiguous, we don’t want to jump to a conclusion, there’s some benefit of the doubt. Yes, it’s good to call a spade a spade, but sometimes you don’t know if it’s a spade or a toy shovel.
And I think your response would be, fine, say that, say “is that a spade?” This stuff is hard, and most of us aren’t managers, we have other skill sets that bring us to a workplace. Navigating misunderstandings and contexts and communicating with other cultures is what your manager should be there for, IMHO. Of course it’s important to work on our own ability to communicate, I’m not denying that. But if I’m not there, today or tomorrow or whenever that incident happens, it’s okay to ask for help.
Comment by Rachel — March 6, 2009 @ 10:32 am
Asking for help is different than filing a complaint. I’m all for asking for help. In fact, many companies have conflict resolution people that can work with the complainant on ways to approach the issue with the person who needs to “get a clue.” Or, they can role play it with a friend, first….
And let me restate that I’m mostly talking about mild stuff here, and largely harassment by peers–I probably could have articulated that better in the article. If the harasser is someone with power over the target, it’s much more complicated. Still, even then, mild harassment can be dealt with by talking things out first, and waiting to see if the message sinks in before a formal complaint is filed.
Comment by Jennifer — March 6, 2009 @ 4:13 pm
This was posted over at the article on false allegations. I thought it was appropriate here because it describes well a scenario where a woman did not tell a coworker to “Back off” and instead filed an harassment complaint.
Posted by Tom, 3/24/09
I had been with the company I am at many years. 2 years ago, a woman started working there. I introduced myself, and we hit it off. After a while, we became friends and then we started flirting with each other. She was in a troubled relationship at the time, and I guess she just wanted to feel wanted again.
A couple months went by, and she fixed up her relationship although she didn’t tell me. She just suddenly became cold. Well, I asked her out, she said no. After a couple weeks, she did come out and tell me she didn’t want me sending her frequent emails, we talked about it, agreed we would be just friends, and I told her if there was anything I ever did to make feel uncomfortable, please tell me since that is what friends do. We both would see each other on break, sometimes I would ask her and sometimes she would ask me.
As the weeks went on, she became increasing grumpier and grumpier. I assumed she was having troubles with her relationship or her fathers cancer had come back. I figured she wasn’t ready to tell me yet and would when the time came she wanted to talk about it.
Meanwhile during this time, I had met someone and was dating her. I never got to tell my friend, because she was always so grumpy and took up the whole conversation talking about how busy she was.
Well, eventually anything I said, she was jumping down my throat. I wasn’t even liking being her friend, so most times I wouldn’t even go on break if she was there. It was like walking on egg-shells around her. However, sometimes I was still going on break with her because that was what a friend would do.
Well, one day I get called into the HR office and I am about to be immediately terminated. They show me the email she sent stating not to send her frequent emails, stating I was violating the Sexual Harassment policy and she had asked me to stop.
Well, I explained my side, also showed the following email where I stated we just be friends. I showed emails where she asked me to go on break after that, including just the week before. They explained she was trying to tell me to back off by explaining that she was too busy but I just didn’t get it. I also explained I had a girlfriend, that I had told another friend at work I hated walking on egg-shells all the time in conversations with our mutual friend, and there were people who were witnesses at the break area of her just ripping my head off and me not knowing why.
HR took 2.5 weeks to investigate. They then determined that I hadn’t done anything wrong by law, but that she was upset threatening lawsuit and that I should have known what she meant. So, I was to avoid any and all contact with her. I was told that I wasn’t eligible for any promotions because of this incident. There would be written ground rules that I had to follow, and failure to follow any of them would be immediate dismissal. I was to avoid all department meetings, the common break area, and to not go into the lunch room when she was there, so that she could feel comfortable in the work environment.
Well, of course, this made my life a living hell. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. She once walked into my area and I had to immediately leave. People at work all thought I was completely crazy because before I would enter the lunch area, I would look both ways and try to see in the food area to make sure it was safe. To make matters worse, work then applied pressure since I was on termination notice for me to cancel my vacation I had scheduled months in advance. (I was planning on meeting my girlfriends parents during that vacation). After that worked, they applied pressure to get me to work more nights and weekends too.
I hardly ever saw my girlfriend, she ended up breaking up with me the day after Christmas, I was working so much my parents didn’t want to apply more stress so they didn’t tell me about an operation to remove a cancerous growth my father had. When I didn’t show up for that since they didn’t tell me, my relationship with my sisters became strained since they saw me an self-absorbed.
All the while through this, no written ground rules were ever presented to me. After about 6 months of this, I was ready to crack. I couldn’t handle the pressure. My boss went to our department head, and he stated that I was free to attend meetings, the cafeteria, etc without any worry of any reprisal.
However, HR responded that “They felt horrible that they had not presented me with the ground rules, and that the rep was still working on them”. My boss told me that pushing for the ground rules would be a mistake.
Its been two years now, I still have not been presented with written ground rules, I don’t go to any department meetings or any corporate occasion because I frankly don’t feel safe. I feel like if she gets upset seeing me, it would be a violation of one of those ground rules I don’t know about and I would face termination.
I don’t like the isolation. I don’t like not being a part of the company. I don’t like not being able to plan a career. However, I still have no ground rules written, its my word against the companies, so I feel like I don’t have any way of backing my claims.
Truthfully, I am not sure what to do. I have no bargaining power in this at all, or at least I don’t see where I do. I do admit, I have been told never ask out a coworker, it can lead to trouble, and I did it. But we had both talked it out, I thought had gotten over it, and had worked out an agreement to be friends. It just seems to be 2 years is a long time to have to pay for a bad choice in judgment.
Comment by Jennifer — March 30, 2009 @ 9:24 pm
I got an email from a smart young man in the United Kingdom the other day. He is experiencing the all-to-common silence that girls and women use as a replacement for setting boundaries. He asked a girl out at school and she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no–a classic pattern that I hear complaints about all the time. Often when this happens, the guy keeps asking, just trying to get an answer, then he gets slapped with an harassment complaint because he “should have known” the silence was a “No.”
But it isn’t. Silence is just silence. You have to say “No” and say it like you mean it if you want to be setting a boundary. And truthfully, the silence can mean anything from “No” to “Maybe” to “Not now.” You simply can’t tell, and it’s a game a lot of women play.
I warned him about his trap and suggested he avoid it. I recommended that, the next time he sees her, he should acknowledge she didn’t give him a response, but he is taking that as a “No.” If she wants to go out with him, she can ask HIM out.
He seemed pleased with this solution.
Comment by Jennifer — August 26, 2009 @ 3:31 pm