I know this post will be controversial, but it needs to be done because of the emails I have been getting–quite a few about false allegations of sexual harassment. Several of these have been submitted as stories to be published, and while not appropriate for this site (it’s a support forum for people who have really been harassed) I realized there needs to be a place for the stories to be posted. There aren’t enough communications to start an entire forum for the problem. Seems like the blog is the best place since this is the space for any and all opinions about the harassment issue.
Right off the bat, I have to make it clear that most protestations of false allegations are themselves false allegations. Many people who harass think there is nothing wrong with their conduct and that this which makes the accusation false. It does NOT.
Also, a “false” allegation isn’t the same as “cannot be proven” which is the end result of most harassment investigations.
But it is true that false allegations do happen. I know if for a fact. Out of respect for confidentiality, I can’t share most of the situations here, but I swear that I have heard some of the most ridiculous things being labeled “sexual harassment.” Some people think that SHS will validate any and all complaints of harassment, and they get shocked when that doesn’t happen–I told someone they needed a reality check big time, just last week. (I’m not normally that blunt, but man, what she was doing was really toxic.)
There is a website devoted to this problem, but it is so badly done, I can’t really recommend it. There is a discussion forum, and a lot of the posts there are from wives who are in denial about what their husbands have done to get themselves fired.
Strictly speaking, a false allegation means that the complainant asserts that the alleged harasser engaged in behavior that did not happen. They are saying that the victim is lying, or the behavior is not sexual harassment.
In terms of the people we have been hearing from here at SHS, some patterns have emerged in terms of the problems at the root.
Here is one story I can share because the gentleman submitted this as a story to be published. I don’t remember the exact details of his relationship with the coworker as I no longer have the story, but here is the jist:
The “accused” (S) was in the men’s room at work when a cleaning woman came in. S couldn’t see her, but yelled out that she shouldn’t come in as he was in there. She came in anyway while he unzipped and began to urinate. Later, she filed a complaint that he’d sexually harassed her and he was fired. They were communicating in English, but neither party spoke English as their first language, and they were from different countries. The woman seemed to believe he deliberately beckoned her in to expose himself to her.
A lot of problems stem from mis-communications and mis-perceptions like these. This seems to be particularly common when the people involved do not share the same first language–a very common situation in this multi-cultural world of ours. Mis-interpreting pronunciation, mis-hearing sentences, words and phrases that mean one thing in one culture and something else in another. I know of one woman who overheard coworkers talking about her need to “get in bed with them.” She thought they meant sex, but they were really using the expression that meant “she needs to work with us.” Another woman heard her boss say while he was crouching on the floor “I can still get it up,” when he was really saying “I can still get up,” and was joking about is middle-age as he stood up.
Then there is the “Who was flirting with who first?” scenario. People often don’t realize how they come across to others. Many men think that if a woman simply smiles at him, she is coming onto him, or flirting. Others can be flirtatious but have no idea they are coming across that way. You can have two people who are being “friendly” with each other, and either party can begin to think the other has sexual intentions, even if there are none. The uncomfortable party says nothing to the other person about being uncomfortable, yet they turn around and slam the other with an harassment complaint.
I have heard a few stories of false allegations where the “victim” was clearly using an harassment complaint as a power-play. These are men and women who have very dis-empowered personalities and who cannot set boundaries themselves. They pretend to themselves that by filing formal complaints about nothing, they are being strong and assertive adults. Really, they are just bullies.
Then there is the fact that many, many people still don’t understand what sexual harassment really is. They seem to think that if the conflict involves sex in some way, this makes it sexual harassment. In some of these cases, there is evidence that the problem stems from gender discrimination, but not in the form of sexual harassment. (Both men AND women are confused about this.) Sexual harassment is a form of gender discrimination, but not all gender discrimination involves sexual harassment.
Another story–also submitted for publication–involved a man who was wearing a gun to his job doing telephone surveys. He believed this was appropriate to do because the gun is licensed, and he was a security professional and his job “requires I wear a gun at all times,” though he was not currently employed in this field. (His current job did not require a firearm, and the position was not a security position.) He got caught wearing the gun at his job. The supervisor on duty was a female, and she directed him to put his gun in the car, and she went with him to make sure he did this. On the way back, she frisked him to make sure he no longer had a weapon on him, but it sounds like she did a clumsy job because she also got him in the genital area. This man has been insisting that she “groped” him. She probably should have gotten a male employee to do this, but her position would make her responsible for making sure he was no longer armed–many employers would have simply fired him on the spot.
Finally, just because you don’t like what someone is doing to you, this doesn’t automatically make it sexual harassment, or harassment of any kind. For example, the guy who keeps clearing his throat in the next cube is NOT sexually harassing you by doing so. (I swear, this was a real-life complaint.) It is not against the law, or even a violation of civil rights, to irritate or anger someone, though some people think it is.
Harassment is a “victim-defined” crime, and what bothers one person won’t necessarily bother another person. That is why it is imperative that the offended-one tell the other person that their behavior is offensive as they may have no clue they are doing anything wrong. Most alleged harassment situations involve mild conduct, so trying to talk things out first is very appropriate.
A sexual harassment complaint can destroy a work or school environment–so be careful about how you use the grievance process. Be sure of what you are experiencing first. Carelessness can lead the complainant to be guilty of creating the hostile environment rather then the falsely accused “harasser.”
Still, most harassment complaints are true. What is most common is that the behavior continues even after the target says something about it to the harasser. In most cases, the harasser maintains that there is something wrong with the other person if they are offended or hurt by the conduct. In most cases, the harasser not only continues with the conduct, it gets worse.
If someone has told you that they do not like your behavior towards them, I’ve got news for you: simply because you “didn’t mean anything by it,” or you were “just kidding,” or you don’t personally see anything wrong with your behavior, this does not over-ride the complainant’s point-of-view. One person doesn’t get to say what is, or is not, appropriate with another person. If someone says stop-doing-such-and-such-to-me, then STOP! If you don’t, you may be finding yourself spending a lot of time at Human Resources, or in a lawyer’s office.
If you feel you are the target of false allegations of harassment, post a reply to this article. I do think these stories should also be heard. Please keep your story to no more than 1000 words, and use appropriate grammar, spelling, and language.)
