I know this post will be controversial, but it needs to be done because of the emails I have been getting–quite a few about false allegations of sexual harassment. Several of these have been submitted as stories to be published, and while not appropriate for this site (it’s a support forum for people who have really been harassed) I realized there needs to be a place for the stories to be posted. There aren’t enough communications to start an entire forum for the problem. Seems like the blog is the best place since this is the space for any and all opinions about the harassment issue.
Right off the bat, I have to make it clear that most protestations of false allegations are themselves false allegations. Many people who harass think there is nothing wrong with their conduct and that this which makes the accusation false. It does NOT.
Also, a “false” allegation isn’t the same as “cannot be proven” which is the end result of most harassment investigations.
But it is true that false allegations do happen. I know if for a fact. Out of respect for confidentiality, I can’t share most of the situations here, but I swear that I have heard some of the most ridiculous things being labeled “sexual harassment.” Some people think that SHS will validate any and all complaints of harassment, and they get shocked when that doesn’t happen–I told someone they needed a reality check big time, just last week. (I’m not normally that blunt, but man, what she was doing was really toxic.)
There is a website devoted to this problem, but it is so badly done, I can’t really recommend it. There is a discussion forum, and a lot of the posts there are from wives who are in denial about what their husbands have done to get themselves fired.
Strictly speaking, a false allegation means that the complainant asserts that the alleged harasser engaged in behavior that did not happen. They are saying that the victim is lying, or the behavior is not sexual harassment.
In terms of the people we have been hearing from here at SHS, some patterns have emerged in terms of the problems at the root.
Here is one story I can share because the gentleman submitted this as a story to be published. I don’t remember the exact details of his relationship with the coworker as I no longer have the story, but here is the jist:
The “accused” (S) was in the men’s room at work when a cleaning woman came in. S couldn’t see her, but yelled out that she shouldn’t come in as he was in there. She came in anyway while he unzipped and began to urinate. Later, she filed a complaint that he’d sexually harassed her and he was fired. They were communicating in English, but neither party spoke English as their first language, and they were from different countries. The woman seemed to believe he deliberately beckoned her in to expose himself to her.
A lot of problems stem from mis-communications and mis-perceptions like these. This seems to be particularly common when the people involved do not share the same first language–a very common situation in this multi-cultural world of ours. Mis-interpreting pronunciation, mis-hearing sentences, words and phrases that mean one thing in one culture and something else in another. I know of one woman who overheard coworkers talking about her need to “get in bed with them.” She thought they meant sex, but they were really using the expression that meant “she needs to work with us.” Another woman heard her boss say while he was crouching on the floor “I can still get it up,” when he was really saying “I can still get up,” and was joking about is middle-age as he stood up.
Then there is the “Who was flirting with who first?” scenario. People often don’t realize how they come across to others. Many men think that if a woman simply smiles at him, she is coming onto him, or flirting. Others can be flirtatious but have no idea they are coming across that way. You can have two people who are being “friendly” with each other, and either party can begin to think the other has sexual intentions, even if there are none. The uncomfortable party says nothing to the other person about being uncomfortable, yet they turn around and slam the other with an harassment complaint.
I have heard a few stories of false allegations where the “victim” was clearly using an harassment complaint as a power-play. These are men and women who have very dis-empowered personalities and who cannot set boundaries themselves. They pretend to themselves that by filing formal complaints about nothing, they are being strong and assertive adults. Really, they are just bullies.
Then there is the fact that many, many people still don’t understand what sexual harassment really is. They seem to think that if the conflict involves sex in some way, this makes it sexual harassment. In some of these cases, there is evidence that the problem stems from gender discrimination, but not in the form of sexual harassment. (Both men AND women are confused about this.) Sexual harassment is a form of gender discrimination, but not all gender discrimination involves sexual harassment.
Another story–also submitted for publication–involved a man who was wearing a gun to his job doing telephone surveys. He believed this was appropriate to do because the gun is licensed, and he was a security professional and his job “requires I wear a gun at all times,” though he was not currently employed in this field. (His current job did not require a firearm, and the position was not a security position.) He got caught wearing the gun at his job. The supervisor on duty was a female, and she directed him to put his gun in the car, and she went with him to make sure he did this. On the way back, she frisked him to make sure he no longer had a weapon on him, but it sounds like she did a clumsy job because she also got him in the genital area. This man has been insisting that she “groped” him. She probably should have gotten a male employee to do this, but her position would make her responsible for making sure he was no longer armed–many employers would have simply fired him on the spot.
Finally, just because you don’t like what someone is doing to you, this doesn’t automatically make it sexual harassment, or harassment of any kind. For example, the guy who keeps clearing his throat in the next cube is NOT sexually harassing you by doing so. (I swear, this was a real-life complaint.) It is not against the law, or even a violation of civil rights, to irritate or anger someone, though some people think it is.
Harassment is a “victim-defined” crime, and what bothers one person won’t necessarily bother another person. That is why it is imperative that the offended-one tell the other person that their behavior is offensive as they may have no clue they are doing anything wrong. Most alleged harassment situations involve mild conduct, so trying to talk things out first is very appropriate.
A sexual harassment complaint can destroy a work or school environment–so be careful about how you use the grievance process. Be sure of what you are experiencing first. Carelessness can lead the complainant to be guilty of creating the hostile environment rather then the falsely accused “harasser.”
Still, most harassment complaints are true. What is most common is that the behavior continues even after the target says something about it to the harasser. In most cases, the harasser maintains that there is something wrong with the other person if they are offended or hurt by the conduct. In most cases, the harasser not only continues with the conduct, it gets worse.
If someone has told you that they do not like your behavior towards them, I’ve got news for you: simply because you “didn’t mean anything by it,” or you were “just kidding,” or you don’t personally see anything wrong with your behavior, this does not over-ride the complainant’s point-of-view. One person doesn’t get to say what is, or is not, appropriate with another person. If someone says stop-doing-such-and-such-to-me, then STOP! If you don’t, you may be finding yourself spending a lot of time at Human Resources, or in a lawyer’s office.
If you feel you are the target of false allegations of harassment, post a reply to this article. I do think these stories should also be heard. Please keep your story to no more than 1000 words, and use appropriate grammar, spelling, and language.)
I thought I would share that I am dealing with someone right now who is insisting she is being sexually harassed, and there is nothing remotely sexually harassing about her situation–nothing at all. There wasn’t even any evidence of a misunderstanding.
She submitted a story to be published–so it’s okay to mention her situation here. (She wants people to know about this.)
In the story, she described some general conflicts and tensions at work between her and some male coworkers who are not fans of a project she is working on. (She is the only female employee there besides the boss’s wife.) She believes that the conflicts are because she is a woman and is convinced this is sexual harassment.
I rejected the story very politely, saying I was very sorry for what she is going through. I did not say she was NOT being harassed, but that nothing she wrote described SH. I wrote that this could very well be gender discrimination, but while SH is a form of discrimination, not all gender discrimination is SH….I gave her examples, etc. (BTW, nothing she wrote described anything sexist or discriminatory going on, either.)
I can only go by what people submit. It’s true that the stress from harassment can cause people to leave out the important stuff. So, I always invite the person to resubmit a revision in case this is what has happened. I’ve often helped them “pull it out” with questions, etc.
But I didn’t hear back from her until last night, six weeks later, when I got this somewhat nasty reply:
“Thanks for sharing this perspective with me however I would try to be as consistent as possible with my advertising, for instance you web page does note state what you are stating here in you email in regards to what sexual harassment is versus what is not. Since sexual harassment can be and often is a he said she said and since you are advocating yourself as some sort of sexual harassment support service I would definitely make sure my sources were credible. Anyways, thanks for whatever you are doing. I am sure someone with a blown out case of sexual harassment really appreciates it.”
I’m not upset by her response, but thought I’d include it because of the attitude. (Frankly, I think she must have been drunk when she wrote it–her story was very articulate.)
I think this is someone who is struggling at work with her coworkers and feels overwhelmed by being the only female. Her coworkers may not be handling it well, themselves. Saying that what she is going through is SH is a way of fighting back–but it’s the WRONG WAY! (Have you seen the movie “Oleanna?”–this is the kind of power play that Mamet was illustrating.)
Still, we have over 160 published stories of genuine SH and stalking. Cases like hers do happen and must be discussed, but they are not the norm.
BTW, my response to her was to send her links to our detailed definition of SH along with a link to the EEOC sexual harassment page definition which was our source.
Comment by Jennifer — March 16, 2009 @ 12:41 pm
I will ask about my case, and what I might do about it. I had been with the company I am at many years. 2 years ago, a woman started working there. I introduced myself, and we hit it off. After a while, we became friends and then we started flirting with each other. She was in a troubled relationship at the time, and I guess she just wanted to feel wanted again. A couple months went by, and she fixed up her relationship although she didn’t tell me. She just suddenly became cold. Well, I asked her out, she said no. After a couple weeks, she did come out and tell me she didn’t want me sending her frequent emails, we talked about it, agreed we would be just friends, and I told her if there was anything I ever did to make feel uncomfortable, please tell me since that is what friends do. We both would see each other on break, sometimes I would ask her and sometimes she would ask me. As the weeks went on, she became increasing grumpier and grumpier. I assumed she was having troubles with her relationship or her fathers cancer had come back. I figured she wasn’t ready to tell me yet and would when the time came she wanted to talk about it. Meanwhile during this time, I had met someone and was dating her. I never got to tell my friend, because she was always so grumpy and took up the whole conversation talking about how busy she was.
Well, eventually anything I said, she was jumping down my throat. I wasn’t even liking being her friend, so most times I wouldn’t even go on break if she was there. It was like walking on egg-shells around her. However, sometimes I was still going on break with her because that was what a friend would do.
Well, one day I get called into the HR office and I am about to be immediately terminated. They show me the email she sent stating not to send her frequent emails, stating I was violating the Sexual Harrassment policy and she had asked me to stop. Well, I explained my side, also showed the following email where I stated we just be friends. I showed emails where she asked me to go on break after that, including just the week before. They explained she was trying to tell me to back off by explaining that she was too busy but I just didn’t get it. I also explained I had a girlfriend, that I had told another friend at work I hated walking on egg-shells all the time in conversations with our mutual friend, and there were people who were witnesses at the break area of her just ripping my head off and me not knowing why.
HR took 2.5 weeks to investigate. They then determined that I hadn’t done anything wrong by law, but that she was upset threatening lawsuit and that I should have known what she meant. So, I was to avoid any and all contact with her. I was told that I wasn’t eligible for any promotions because of this incident. There would be written groundrules that I had to follow, and failure to follow any of them would be immediate dismissal. I was to avoid all department meetings, the common break area, and to not go into the lunch room when she was there, so that she could feel comfortable in the work environment. Well, of course, this made my life a living hell. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. She once walked into my area and I had to immediately leave. People at work all thought I was completely crazy because before I would enter the lunch area, I would look both ways and try to see in the food area to make sure it was safe. To make matters worse, work then applied pressure since I was on termination notice for me to cancel my vacation I had scheduled months in advance. (I was planning on meeting my girlfriends parents during that vacation). After that worked, they applied pressure to get me to work more nights and weekends too. I hardly ever saw my girlfriend, she ended up breaking up with me the day after Christmas, I was working so much my parents didn’t want to apply more stress so they didn’t tell me about an operation to remove a cancerous growth my fater had. When I didn’t show up for that since they didn’t tell me, my relationship with my sisters became strained since they saw me an self-absorbed.
All the while through this, no written groundrules were ever presented to me. After about 6 months of this, I was ready to crack. I couldn’t handle the pressure. My boss went to our department head, and he stated that I was free to attend meetings, the cafeteria, etc without any worry of any reprisal. However, HR responded that “They felt horrible that they had not presented me with the groundrules, and that the rep was still working on them”. My boss told me that pushing for the groundrules would be a mistake. Its been two years now, I still have not been presented with written groundrules, I don’t go to any department meetings or any corporate occassion because I frankly don’t feel safe. I feel like if she gets upset seeing me, it would be a violation of one of those groundrules I don’t know about and I would face termination.
I don’t like the isolation. I don’t like not being a part of the company. I don’t like not being able to plan a career. However, I still have no groundrules written, its my word against the companies, so I feel like I don’t have any way of backing my claims. Truthfully, I am not sure what to do. I have no bargaining power in this at all, or at least I don’t see where I do. I do admit, I have been told never ask out a coworker, it can lead to trouble, and I did it. But we had both talked it out, I thought had gotten over it, and had worked out an agreement to be friends. It just seems to be 2 years is a long time to have to pay for a bad choice in judgement. Do you have any suggestions for me on what I should do?
Comment by Tom — March 24, 2009 @ 6:35 pm
I don’t have any suggestions other than work with whomever sees the effect this is having on you. I’ve been saying for years that by overreacting to a complaint, employers create a hostile environment for the accused. Yours is a perfect example. The irony is that if you research the psychological effects of sexual harassment, you will plainly see that you are experiencing them. Caused by your employer. Rather than use some common sense, they become afraid of the accuser. It affects her as well, she probably didn’t intend to cause any harm. The only posssible advice I can honestly give you is to start considering if it’s worth your while and emotional/psychological health to continue working there. I’ve been there, I completely understand.
Comment by Rick Sansoni — April 2, 2009 @ 8:13 am
Dear Tom,
I deeply sympathise with you because a similar thing happened to me. I would suggest that you look at alternative employment or self employment as an option. The only way to beat a system when the system is bad, is to create your own.
When you become director of your own company, make sure that policies are in place that do not allow unfounded or false allegations.
The trouble is that in the eyes of the law, you are guilty until proven innocent. And even then, you are under suspicion. This is, ofcourse, highly unjust and immoral. But it is just the way the law is at the moment
It seems to me that men should become the directors of their own workplace, and shape the laws that should apply within that work place.
Like I said, if the system is rotten, then you have to create a new one.
Comment by Craig Paardekooper — October 3, 2009 @ 6:40 am
Thank you Jennifer for your insight. I agree with you that most harrassers are in denial. They don’t realize that what they are doing is wrong. I was devastated when I was accused of creating a hostile work environment and your paragraph on dis-empowered personallities hit home.
I am divorced and had a relationship with a married female co-worker. We would exchange suggestive e-mails, instant messages and text messages at work and meet up after work. She was looking for a job change and I found her a position in my work group. After a few months on the job, our relationship began to fade and she began a new affair with a married coleague of mine. I asked her out to a bar to talk and she agreed and there I asked her about the new affair and she was not pleased that I thought it to be any of my business.
The next week I was in the HR office as she filed a complaint of a hostile work environment and the company reacted by putting me on probation. I pleaded that I was not a bad person and offered up the e-mails and texts and other proof but the HR rep wouldn’t look at any of it. The Director of HR went as far as saying that I would be terminated immediately if I spoke one word to the co-worker or she said that she felt uncomfortable. The HR Director and the co-worker were long term friends which didnt help me.
I volunteered and then had to jump through hoops to have my office moved to another campus building. I was angry and hurt but I didnt want to make my co-worker uncomfortable either. I figured moving out was the best thing. This didn’t stop the co-worker from campaigning to get me fired. She reached out through my Manager and my Director to continually criticize my work, deleted and sabotaged my files and sent me a threatening letter to my home address suggesting that I quit. No-one would listen to me because I was a “Harrasser” My treatment by my co-workers and management deteriorated. Everyont thought I was some aweful cancer in the group and treated me that way. I considdered suicide.
There was an organizational change and my new Executive Director who is female was approached by my co-worker who wanted to explain the situation about me. The Executive Director re-opened the investigation and this time, I was allowed to show the e-mails, the threatening letter and other proof of bullying.
THe HR Director was not permitted to be involved in the Investigation. At the conclusion of the investigation, I was told that if I initiated any type of contact with the co-worker at work, I would be terminated. However, they also met with the co-worker and explained that she was creating a hostile work environment and any similar behavior toward me in the future would result in her termination from the company.
It has been 5 months of hell. It feels good to get this all out.
Comment by Jim — October 27, 2009 @ 10:28 am
Can a law be passed such that it is illegal to fire or discipline someone based on allegation without proof? Currently all it takes is for a woman to make an allegation, and a man is automatically suspended from work.
Comment by Craig — November 1, 2009 @ 4:20 am
This is rarely true. Despite the laws, when women make complaints of sexual harassment, the situation is usually ignored. Often, the complainant gets fired outright on trumped up charges of incompetence or a minor policy violation. She is the one viewed as a trouble maker and a liability, not the harasser. So, they get rid of her ASAP.
In fact, getting an harassment victim fired is one of the most common forms of retaliation against those who reject the sexual advances of their male colleagues, or who file formal complaints.
And documented proof is very hard to get. Most REAL sexual harassers are smart enough to not engage in the behavior when there are witnesses around. And many states won’t allow anyone to even use a tape recorder to get documentation of the harassment as this is viewed as a violation of privacy laws.
Discrimination of women is one of society’s most ignored problems. Institutions need to respond to the problem honestly and constructively, but this needs to include strong and effective action to get it into the heads of men that they WILL be held accountable when they discriminate against women.
Comment by Jennifer — November 1, 2009 @ 1:56 pm
Laws can and should be created to protect one from false accusations. The fact that there is none is exactly why the false allegations exist. Companies fire you because they can’t protect you. Equal Opportunity is supposed to be Equal protection, it obviously isn’t. If you research the history of Sexual Harassment Law, you’ll see it was designed that way.
Comment by Rick Sansoni — November 29, 2009 @ 6:55 am
The country of India already has plans to add a clause in their law to stop false sexual harassment claims.
Just Google false sexual harassment and you’ll find it.
Comment by Rick Sansoni — November 29, 2009 @ 10:41 am
This was posted as a comment at the stories area. I thought it was appropriate here.
Submitted by Greg:
“Well i am a guy and had an associate text me through out the day. I had know idea who this was but she was saying maybe i need to talk to you wife, hows your baby?
So i text back who is this this associate thought it was funny to mess with me! I had know idea who it was. Then another associate told me who it was and then i played back being this associate had no idea i knew.
Then at 2 am i get a call from the associats boyfriend threatening me and now im up for sexual harrassment. She received my phone number from facebook i never offered it to her!”
Comment by Jennifer, admin — January 6, 2010 @ 3:46 pm
I am not up for posting my entire story but just by way of showing solidarity I wanted to say that I was falsely accused of harassment by a woman who I had passed over for a promotion. The specifics (and they were very specific) of the claim simply never happened. Unfortunately the allegations supposedly occurred while we were alone in the work day. I had no way to disprove them and fortunately that meant as well that she had no way to prove them. None the less the allegation cost me not my job but my reputation at the office. I might as well have lost my job as now I will never get another promotion etc.
Comment by Pat — March 14, 2010 @ 1:44 pm
False sexual harassment claims hurt ALL women. I have been a committed advocate of women’s empowerment my whole life and am now being accused of SH by an unstable women. I have the physical evidence (and the truth) on my side, but the women investigating the case are so agenda driven that I am going to have to take them to court. It’s sad for everyone involved and it hurts my feminist heart.
Comment by Accused — March 22, 2010 @ 1:40 pm
It is about time that the Law took a firm stance. -
1. False allegations should be subject to the laws of slander and compensation
2. Those who make the false allegation must provide the proof
3. Compensation should be proportional to the effects of the false allegation in terms of loss of reputation, loss of income, loss of career, breakup of family etc, and false accusers must be suable to that extent
4. Companies should be stricktly forbidden to remove a person’s employment in the absence of proof.
The current state of our laws regarding false allegations of sexual harassment is pathetic. It does no service to the cause of the women’s movement when a man is effectively raped of his career and reputation simply because a woman decides to make up a story.
Comment by Craig — June 27, 2010 @ 8:08 am