Many years ago in when I was in junior college, I had a college roommate-from-hell (didn’t we all). Nobody liked Mindy. She expected to be the center of the universe, and was so self-absorbed it made her oblivious to the ridicule she inspired around campus.
Every morning and evening, Mindy would indulge in long, loving gazes at her image in the full-length mirror on our door as she dressed in small, tight, midriff-baring outfits. Finishing her ritual, she perfumed herself with blasts of Obsession as she prepared to parade before the hoard of hormonal college boys, none of whom she was ever going to consent to date–the male-female ratio at this school was 7 to 1–and yes, they expressed their frustration with her for it. She would literally strut out of the room each day only to return later looking terrified, with frightened, wide-eyes darting nervously around as if she might find one of boys in the room with us, under the bed maybe, or in the closet. Once in the middle of the night, she woke me up with a scream as she was in the midst of an anxiety attack. She proclaimed with tears in her eyes that it was “really hard to be pretty,” and I had to hold her hand for an hour to help calm her down. Still, she continued to parade herself as some kind of Madonna-like sex goddess, even when she was just going to work out at the gym, without having any of the strength or smarts to handle what she was dishing out to the boys.
At the same time, Mindy read books like “The New Assertive Woman,” and complained she was stereotyped and not treated with the respect she deserved as a woman.
First of all, I want to restate that REAL sexual harassment is a form of discrimination, and abuse of power that can devastate lives. No one deserves this. Yes, sometimes there can be a game involved where a masochistic person deliberately provokes abuse because they get off on the excitement or pain of it all. But abuse is not deserved.
However, some people really do seem to want things both ways: they want both to be respected and taken seriously and sexualized and objectified. Some people want sexual attention and admiration, and to be left alone, all at the same time, people like my old roommate Mindy.
Recently, I heard from a man who was angry about his girlfriend being harassed by her elderly boss, whom she had recently called the police about. But the boyfriend wasn’t angry at the boss. He was angry at the fact his girlfriend wore tube tops and miniskirts to work which he viewed as provoking the advances her boss was making.
Personally, I’ve always wondered about the woman who emails SHS with complaints about sexual harassment at work and her email address is “hotsexymomma@isp.com” (Not the actual address, but along those lines.) Last summer, there was a woman who hung around SHS who was in the middle of a sexual harassment lawsuit against her boss. She was chronicling this in her blog that she called “The Random Thoughts of a Crazy Sexy Metal Hot Chick.” Understandably, the other side was using this against her in the lawsuit.
Why flaunt you are “hot and sexy” then turn around and complain if someone lets you know they agree with you???
A few years ago, we had several SHS stalking group members who were complaining about being cyberstalked with texted and emailed sexual comments. Each one of these people (both male and female) had published on the Internet pictures of themselves, wearing scant clothing and some pretty come-hither looks on their faces, along with their contact information. When I suggested that they remove the contact info and pictures from the web for their own safety, they all quit the group.
They were literally advertising themselves sexually on the Internet but were angry and scared when they got buyers.
This same hypocrisy is evident in the movement Hollaback. For years, Hollaback groups have been publishing stories of street harassment, encouraging women to use their cell phones to post pictures of the men who engage in this behavior. (They started publishing stories a few months after we did.) I certainly agree with their message about street safety and applaud all that they do to fight back against REAL street sexual harassment and violence. However, many Hollaback groups also stand up for a woman’s right to walk down the street dressed like Lady Ga Ga, wearing hotpants and shirts so low cut their breasts spill out, or pants so tight they look spray-painted on, while at the same time crying out angrily about the wolf whistles and other sexual attention such attire can inspire.
Hollaback Boston says “You can be hot and safe.”
Hollaback NY exclaims: “Whether you’re commuting, lunching, partying, dancing, walking, chilling, drinking, or sunning, you have the right to feel safe, confident, and sexy, without being the object of some turd’s fantasy. So stop walkin’ on and Holla Back: Send us pics of street harassers!” To help bring the message home, Hollaback NY sells G-strings with the Hollaback logo on their website–and only G-strings, not the more modest bikinis or briefs.
So, it’s a good idea to present yourself as some guy’s fantasy, but it’s not okay if you actually become some guys fantasy???????
In this, Hollaback’s logic is about as sound as a porn star complaining of objectification when men buy her DVDs. If you are blatantly dressing or calling out for sexual attention, you shouldn’t complain if you get it, and you certainly shouldn’t be doing this if you can’t handle the attention you are bound to get. If you are walking down the street wearing pants so low-cut your butt crack shows, don’t be surprised if some guy pulls up and yells “Nice ass!” since you are clearly dressing to draw attention to this feature of yours. And if you are angered by his catcall, you are a bigger idiot than he is, and are probably a lot more dangerous.
Frankly, men are very visual, and I have heard on multiple occasions from men who say they feel sexually harassed by the type of clothes some women wear. If a woman is strolling down the street dressed like a porn star, wouldn’t it be fair for a man to complain of street harassment and snap her picture, too? I think so, but I doubt Hollaback would post it at any of their websites.
I don’t want to be saying that a woman who shows her sexuality deserves abuse or disrespect. Men do it all the time and still command respect. There was a recent controversy about Sarah Palin showing her legs in a picture on the cover of Newsweek a few weeks ago. But there is no fuss when president Obama is photographed shirtless, in a bathing suit. And I must say, you would never see anyone putting this kind of picture of him on a magazine cover. But now, everyone is talking about how sexy Sarah is and how she uses it to build her image….Obama is sexy too, but no one goes on and on about it, nor do they question his leadership ability because of it.
Also, a sexual harasser will often exaggerate a woman’s appearance or behavior to validate his own behavior towards her. Some women are just sexy no matter what they wear, or what they do, and a man will still blame her for dressing provocatively even when she doesn’t at all. Many men think a woman is flirting even if she just smiles or say’s “Hello.” It’s really a pop culture joke that the tiniest hint of attention can get a man thinking “She wants me and wants me to pursue her.”
And let’s not forget that many women get their fashion cues from the fashion magazines and industry, not to mention the commercial, Hollywood and the recording industries. Their mottos are always “Sex sells” which really means “Sexual objectification of women sells” and they never cared a hoot about their damaging and exploitive tactics and negative impact on the identity and body image of women, let alone how women are perceived in this world that continues to oppress and objectify women.
That being said, if you are going to get ALL your power from flaunting your sexuality and sexual assets, don’t call it sexual harassment if anyone makes any comments about it or pursues you for it. When you are at work, using your brains, maybe even flaunting your brains, you don’t get mad if someone comments or compliments you on your work performance, do you?. You don’t get mad if a head hunter pursues you and offers you a job, do you? No, you don’t.
I realize that many women want to show that it’s okay to be feminine, sexual, and strong, perhaps after so many years of messages against this from the radical feminists who seem to show only contempt for all things feminine. But you can be sexual in a way that doesn’t say “Object” and doesn’t scream out for sexual attention that you probably can’t handle and probably don’t really want. Don’t advertise to the world that you are “hot” when you are really lukewarm or cold. Only dress like Madonna if you can handle the consequences like Madonna. Besides, there are so many women who present themselves as strong and feminine, but not in an over-the-top manner, such as Sarah Palin, Diane Sawyer, Oprah Winfrey, etc. Their cues are a lot more empowering, a lot healthier, and a lot smarter and more realistic in the safety department.
Bravo to Hollaback for their campaign for street safety. But let’s hope that they, and others like them, start to inject some critical thinking into the mix. Hypocrisy weakens any campaign. Rather than “Hot and safe,” a far more empowering message for women would be something along the lines of “Strong, smart, and safe.” Now that’s hot!
