Speak Up! Blog

This was originally submitted to the false allegations article. But it demonstrates the same problem.

Posted by Tom

I had been with the company I am at many years. 2 years ago, a woman started working there. I introduced myself, and we hit it off. After a while, we became friends and then we started flirting with each other. She was in a troubled relationship at the time, and I guess she just wanted to feel wanted again.

A couple months went by, and she fixed up her relationship although she didn’t tell me. She just suddenly became cold. Well, I asked her out, she said no. After a couple weeks, she did come out and tell me she didn’t want me sending her frequent emails, we talked about it, agreed we would be just friends, and I told her if there was anything I ever did to make feel uncomfortable, please tell me since that is what friends do. We both would see each other on break, sometimes I would ask her and sometimes she would ask me.

As the weeks went on, she became increasing grumpier and grumpier. I assumed she was having troubles with her relationship or her fathers cancer had come back. I figured she wasn’t ready to tell me yet and would when the time came she wanted to talk about it.

Meanwhile during this time, I had met someone and was dating her. I never got to tell my friend, because she was always so grumpy and took up the whole conversation talking about how busy she was.

Well, eventually anything I said, she was jumping down my throat. I wasn’t even liking being her friend, so most times I wouldn’t even go on break if she was there. It was like walking on egg-shells around her. However, sometimes I was still going on break with her because that was what a friend would do.

Well, one day I get called into the HR office and I am about to be immediately terminated. They show me the email she sent stating not to send her frequent emails, stating I was violating the Sexual Harassment policy and she had asked me to stop.

Well, I explained my side, also showed the following email where I stated we just be friends. I showed emails where she asked me to go on break after that, including just the week before. They explained she was trying to tell me to back off by explaining that she was too busy but I just didn’t get it. I also explained I had a girlfriend, that I had told another friend at work I hated walking on egg-shells all the time in conversations with our mutual friend, and there were people who were witnesses at the break area of her just ripping my head off and me not knowing why.

HR took 2.5 weeks to investigate. They then determined that I hadn’t done anything wrong by law, but that she was upset threatening lawsuit and that I should have known what she meant. So, I was to avoid any and all contact with her. I was told that I wasn’t eligible for any promotions because of this incident. There would be written ground rules that I had to follow, and failure to follow any of them would be immediate dismissal. I was to avoid all department meetings, the common break area, and to not go into the lunch room when she was there, so that she could feel comfortable in the work environment.

Well, of course, this made my life a living hell. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. She once walked into my area and I had to immediately leave. People at work all thought I was completely crazy because before I would enter the lunch area, I would look both ways and try to see in the food area to make sure it was safe. To make matters worse, work then applied pressure since I was on termination notice for me to cancel my vacation I had scheduled months in advance. (I was planning on meeting my girlfriends parents during that vacation). After that worked, they applied pressure to get me to work more nights and weekends too.

I hardly ever saw my girlfriend, she ended up breaking up with me the day after Christmas, I was working so much my parents didn’t want to apply more stress so they didn’t tell me about an operation to remove a cancerous growth my father had. When I didn’t show up for that since they didn’t tell me, my relationship with my sisters became strained since they saw me an self-absorbed.

All the while through this, no written ground rules were ever presented to me. After about 6 months of this, I was ready to crack. I couldn’t handle the pressure. My boss went to our department head, and he stated that I was free to attend meetings, the cafeteria, etc without any worry of any reprisal.

However, HR responded that “They felt horrible that they had not presented me with the ground rules, and that the rep was still working on them”. My boss told me that pushing for the ground rules would be a mistake.

Its been two years now, I still have not been presented with written ground rules, I don’t go to any department meetings or any corporate occasion because I frankly don’t feel safe. I feel like if she gets upset seeing me, it would be a violation of one of those ground rules I don’t know about and I would face termination.

I don’t like the isolation. I don’t like not being a part of the company. I don’t like not being able to plan a career. However, I still have no ground rules written, its my word against the companies, so I feel like I don’t have any way of backing my claims.

Truthfully, I am not sure what to do. I have no bargaining power in this at all, or at least I don’t see where I do. I do admit, I have been told never ask out a coworker, it can lead to trouble, and I did it. But we had both talked it out, I thought had gotten over it, and had worked out an agreement to be friends. It just seems to be 2 years is a long time to have to pay for a bad choice in judgment.

Although I too am angered at the idea of someone “crying wolf” in regard to sexual harassment, I wholeheartedly believe that this is the exception and not the rule, and that for every one false accusation there is at least 1000 acts of true sexual harassment that goes unreported because the victim fears that she/he will not be believed. I am disheartened by the fact that the first thing I read on a blog I thought was meant to be for survivors was another story about the misunderstood accused and the over- sensitive accuser. If I had turned to this page for encouragement or validation I certainly would not have found it.

I am very suspicious of men who are claiming that they are falsely accused and that they are the real victims. Most perpetrators I have ever heard of that are accused of sexual harassment or any mistreatment of women including rape and domestic violence claim that they are misunderstood, or the victim is “too sensitive” and is blowing the situation out of proportion, in attempt to minimize their own behavior. The culture is still nervous about a woman having the ability hold men accountable for mistreating them or for keeping them in a one-down position. Many people are not comfortable with men losing their social privileges and entitlements over women, and has a tendency towards “blame the victim” or espouse misogynist attitudes seeking to view the accuser as a temptress with suspicious motives. It is plausible that many of the “falsely accused” are really just constructing a story of innocence that plays upon the cultures prejudice against women.

Another thought: Why is it that we are seeking to admonish women who might not be assertive enough to directly confront men who make them uncomfortable and not hold men accountable for learning how to interact with women in a way that does not make them uncomfortable? Considering the reality of backlash, discrimination of women, violence against women, and the atmosphere of a true sexually hostile environment work environment, it is understandable why a woman might have difficulty directly confronting someone who is making them uncomfortable. Often such women are in a rock and a hard place scenario. The men on the other hand are not similarly situated.

I agree that is wrong for females to sexually harass males, and that sexual exploitation and the abuse the of authority for such l purposes is absolutely wrong, socially it is more common and it is culturally reinforced for the man use his status, money, or authority to wield power over women is a commonplace in this society. From United States Presidents to athletes and talk show hosts it common and often socially acceptable for male bosses to sexualize their relationships with female that work for them. In this society men of prestige and influence are often portrayed as being entitled to women’s attentions, deference, and submission to their desires.

Traditionally the husband/wife arrangement \hinged on the idea of the man being justified in having authority over his wife as the head of the household by his ability to provide financially for her. Women are even encouraged to use a man’s financial or social status to determine whether or not he is a “good catch.” This being said, it could be easily argued that sexual harassment, especially that of “quid pro quo” harassment is a natural extension out cultural conception of differing gender roles and their inherent power differentials.

There is no comparable social script that reinforces women’s exploitation of her subordinates along the lines of gender discrimination. To remove the behavior itself from its cultural context is a great oversight and gross oversimplification of the issue of sexual harassment.

In response to Wendy Hayes:

Are you a Women Studies 101 student?

This blog is for anything having to do with the sexual harassment issue, pro and con. It’s not a “support” area, per se. (Look to the rest of the community for that.)

Besides, telling people the truth IS supportive. If someone is approaching a situation in a destructive manner, you do not support them by telling them they are doing the right thing when they are not doing the right thing. Do not mistake a desire for support and a desire for validation. They are not the same. I will never validate toxic behavior, not matter who is doing it or why.

You do not hear new stories of sexual harassment every day as I do. I can tell you, complaints of mild behavior is not the rule, but it is not the exception either. At least HALF of the stories I’m hearing these days are along these lines. HALF. I cannot pretend otherwise.

Your perspective is very feminist and SHS is not a feminist community. We do not approach problems here guided by any -isms at all as they are too dishonest and oversimplify problems. Feminism, in particular, takes a very narrow, very biased view of male-female relationships. Feminists don’t seem to be willing to even acknowledge any female weaknesses that they can’t blame on men or male oppression. Actually, I used to call myself a feminist until so many feminists blamed me for my own sexual harassment by saying I brought it on myself by being too feminine. In fact, the retaliation stalking I have been suffering for years was initially spear-headed by one of these feminists who blamed me! (Why do they call themselves “feminists” when they really hate all things feminine?)

Also, SHS is a community focused on supporting victims of REAL sexual harassment, and not for encouraging overly sensitive people who just can’t say “NO” to use sexual harassment law to support their toxic approaches to conflict. Far too many women are using sexual harassment law as a way to exorcise their demons, which is wholly unethical. Even with REAL sexual harassment, SHS encourages constructive solutions to the problem and not revenge responses.

It is hypocritical to fight for fair treatment in life when you, yourself, are not approaching problems fairly. Always model the character you want others to adopt.

Most importantly, you cannot come up with effective solutions to a problem if you are not honest about all the complexities and contradictions inherent in that problem–and with the sexual harassment issue, there are many.

P.S. In response to your question: “Why is it that we are seeking to admonish women who might not be assertive enough to directly confront men who make them uncomfortable and not hold men accountable for learning how to interact with women in a way that does not make them uncomfortable?”

You are assuming that there is a universal standard for behavior and that what makes one woman uncomfortable makes all women uncomfortable. This is not true at all. Boundaries are very personal, often even cultural. So, when someone is making you uncomfortable you need to tell them and not immediately assume they need to be taught the proper way to behave. Maybe you are just overly sensitive. Or maybe they do things a little differently in your country. Or maybe the guy just isn’t good looking enough or rich enough for you to be okay with what he is doing. ;-)

I was reminded this morning of another story that fits this pattern.

A woman submitted her story twice for publication. But she never included anything in the story that could be called sexual harassment except that a male coworker terrorized her with “smiles and compliments.” She says she has post-traumatic stress disorder from this.

Other than this, she only described the aftermath, which included her coworkers gossiping about her because they were angry at the fuss she was making about this man’s behavior towards her. Like Robert, he resigned in disgust.

When they submit their stories for publication, sometimes the victims accidentally leave out the actual harassment because of the stress of talking about it. I don’t publish stories unless they describe something that demonstrates this was really an harassment situation, and not something else. So I always email these people back to see if there is more to the story.

So each time this woman submitted her story, which contained no REAL harassment I could ascertain, I emailed her back to find out if there was more she could add. The request I sent after the first story submission got no response. The second time she answered with a two long rambling emails, containing a tirade of general accusations about his behavior, most of which had been lifted from my own writings around the community. Still, she never could provide anything specific that this man had done to warrant her complaints beyond “smile and compliments.”

She finished off by saying that I had now further traumatized her. “One more trauma for the books!’ she said.

Apparently, her “harasser” keeps in touch with his former coworkers. Understandably, she comes up in the conversation, which she says is proof he is now stalking her.

And no, I never published her story. It belongs here.

Received today from Ed Brown:

A group of teachers went on a field trip with their students. One of school employees that went along was Ed. All were wearing bathing suits.

One of the female teachers has an elaborate tattoo on her inner thigh which is placed pretty far down, not near a genital area. It would still have been visible even if she were wearing shorts.

Ed noticed the tattoo and liked it. He told her “Nice tatoo.”

She smiled and thanked him. She clearly had no problem with his comment.

The other teachers who saw this have brought Ed up on sexual harassment charges. He has now been suspended without pay.

1/28/10- Ed has updated us. He just received a certified letter from his employer and they have charged him with lewd and sexually suggestive conduct for telling his coworker she has a “nice tattoo” and they want to fire/dismiss him for this. He has obtained a lawyer and they will be requesting an open hearing. He says, “This way everyone that wants to attend will be able to see what they are trying to do and how they work things at this company.”

I posted a little history of my case in another thread here, but I shall add now that while the crackdowns on sexual harassment may have been necessary, in many instances they went too far, and in a frenzy to avoid lawsuits many companies feel that the thing to do is terminate someone immediately for something that does not even qualify as harassment. For example, a sincere and really non-threatening compliment or an expression of attraction without stating sexual, physical, etc. In other words, the unfortunate byproduct has been a tendency toward extreme opportunism in this area. And yet somehow people do still meet and get married through their work.