Every morning and evening, Mindy would indulge in long, loving gazes at her image in the full-length mirror on our door as she dressed in small, tight, midriff-baring outfits. Finishing her ritual, she perfumed herself with blasts of Obsession as she prepared to parade before the hoard of hormonal college boys, none of whom she was ever going to consent to date–the male-female ratio at this school was 7 to 1–and yes, they expressed their frustration with her for it. She would literally strut out of the room each day only to return later looking terrified, with frightened, wide-eyes darting nervously around as if she might find one of boys in the room with us, under the bed maybe, or in the closet. Once in the middle of the night, she woke me up with a scream as she was in the midst of an anxiety attack. She proclaimed with tears in her eyes that it was “really hard to be pretty,” and I had to hold her hand for an hour to help calm her down. Still, she continued to parade herself as some kind of Madonna-like sex goddess, even when she was just going to work out at the gym, without having any of the strength or smarts to handle what she was dishing out to the boys.

At the same time, Mindy read books like “The New Assertive Woman,” and complained she was stereotyped and not treated with the respect she deserved as a woman.

First of all, I want to restate that REAL sexual harassment is a form of discrimination, and abuse of power that can devastate lives. No one deserves this. Yes, sometimes there can be a game involved where a masochistic person deliberately provokes abuse because they get off on the excitement or pain of it all. But abuse is not deserved.

However, some people really do seem to want things both ways: they want both to be respected and taken seriously and sexualized and objectified. Some people want sexual attention and admiration, and to be left alone, all at the same time, people like my old roommate Mindy.

Recently, I heard from a man who was angry about his girlfriend being harassed by her elderly boss, whom she had recently called the police about. But the boyfriend wasn’t angry at the boss. He was angry at the fact his girlfriend wore tube tops and miniskirts to work which he viewed as provoking the advances her boss was making.

Personally, I’ve always wondered about the woman who emails SHS with complaints about sexual harassment at work and her email address is “hotsexymomma@isp.com” (Not the actual address, but along those lines.) Last summer, there was a woman who hung around SHS who was in the middle of a sexual harassment lawsuit against her boss. She was chronicling this in her blog that she called “The Random Thoughts of a Crazy Sexy Metal Hot Chick.” Understandably, the other side was using this against her in the lawsuit.

Why flaunt you are “hot and sexy” then turn around and complain if someone lets you know they agree with you???

A few years ago, we had several SHS stalking group members who were complaining about being cyberstalked with texted and emailed sexual comments. Each one of these people (both male and female) had published on the Internet pictures of themselves, wearing scant clothing and some pretty come-hither looks on their faces, along with their contact information. When I suggested that they remove the contact info and pictures from the web for their own safety, they all quit the group.

They were literally advertising themselves sexually on the Internet but were angry and scared when they got buyers.

This same hypocrisy is evident in the movement Hollaback. For years, Hollaback groups have been publishing stories of street harassment, encouraging women to use their cell phones to post pictures of the men who engage in this behavior. (They started publishing stories a few months after we did.) I certainly agree with their message about street safety and applaud all that they do to fight back against REAL street sexual harassment and violence. However, many Hollaback groups also stand up for a woman’s right to walk down the street dressed like Lady Ga Ga, wearing hotpants and shirts so low cut their breasts spill out, or pants so tight they look spray-painted on, while at the same time crying out angrily about the wolf whistles and other sexual attention such attire can inspire.

Hollaback Boston says “You can be hot and safe.”

Hollaback NY exclaims: “Whether you’re commuting, lunching, partying, dancing, walking, chilling, drinking, or sunning, you have the right to feel safe, confident, and sexy, without being the object of some turd’s fantasy. So stop walkin’ on and Holla Back: Send us pics of street harassers!” To help bring the message home, Hollaback NY sells G-strings with the Hollaback logo on their website–and only G-strings, not the more modest bikinis or briefs.

So, it’s a good idea to present yourself as some guy’s fantasy, but it’s not okay if you actually become some guys fantasy???????

In this, Hollaback’s logic is about as sound as a porn star complaining of objectification when men buy her DVDs. If you are blatantly dressing or calling out for sexual attention, you shouldn’t complain if you get it, and you certainly shouldn’t be doing this if you can’t handle the attention you are bound to get. If you are walking down the street wearing pants so low-cut your butt crack shows, don’t be surprised if some guy pulls up and yells “Nice ass!” since you are clearly dressing to draw attention to this feature of yours. And if you are angered by his catcall, you are a bigger idiot than he is, and are probably a lot more dangerous.

Frankly, men are very visual, and I have heard on multiple occasions from men who say they feel sexually harassed by the type of clothes some women wear. If a woman is strolling down the street dressed like a porn star, wouldn’t it be fair for a man to complain of street harassment and snap her picture, too? I think so, but I doubt Hollaback would post it at any of their websites.

I don’t want to be saying that a woman who shows her sexuality deserves abuse or disrespect. Men do it all the time and still command respect. There was a recent controversy about Sarah Palin showing her legs in a picture on the cover of Newsweek a few weeks ago. But there is no fuss when president Obama is photographed shirtless, in a bathing suit. And I must say, you would never see anyone putting this kind of picture of him on a magazine cover. But now, everyone is talking about how sexy Sarah is and how she uses it to build her image….Obama is sexy too, but no one goes on and on about it, nor do they question his leadership ability because of it.

Also, a sexual harasser will often exaggerate a woman’s appearance or behavior to validate his own behavior towards her. Some women are just sexy no matter what they wear, or what they do, and a man will still blame her for dressing provocatively even when she doesn’t at all. Many men think a woman is flirting even if she just smiles or say’s “Hello.” It’s really a pop culture joke that the tiniest hint of attention can get a man thinking “She wants me and wants me to pursue her.”

And let’s not forget that many women get their fashion cues from the fashion magazines and industry, not to mention the commercial, Hollywood and the recording industries. Their mottos are always “Sex sells” which really means “Sexual objectification of women sells” and they never cared a hoot about their damaging and exploitive tactics and negative impact on the identity and body image of women, let alone how women are perceived in this world that continues to oppress and objectify women.

That being said, if you are going to get ALL your power from flaunting your sexuality and sexual assets, don’t call it sexual harassment if anyone makes any comments about it or pursues you for it. When you are at work, using your brains, maybe even flaunting your brains, you don’t get mad if someone comments or compliments you on your work performance, do you?. You don’t get mad if a head hunter pursues you and offers you a job, do you? No, you don’t.

I realize that many women want to show that it’s okay to be feminine, sexual, and strong, perhaps after so many years of messages against this from the radical feminists who seem to show only contempt for all things feminine. But you can be sexual in a way that doesn’t say “Object” and doesn’t scream out for sexual attention that you probably can’t handle and probably don’t really want. Don’t advertise to the world that you are “hot” when you are really lukewarm or cold. Only dress like Madonna if you can handle the consequences like Madonna. Besides, there are so many women who present themselves as strong and feminine, but not in an over-the-top manner, such as Sarah Palin, Diane Sawyer, Oprah Winfrey, etc. Their cues are a lot more empowering, a lot healthier, and a lot smarter and more realistic in the safety department.

Bravo to Hollaback for their campaign for street safety. But let’s hope that they, and others like them, start to inject some critical thinking into the mix. Hypocrisy weakens any campaign. Rather than “Hot and safe,” a far more empowering message for women would be something along the lines of “Strong, smart, and safe.” Now that’s hot!

my company is big on giving as much notice as possible if you need time off. Since i’m off this week, i scheduled some doctor appointments that i’ve been putting off. I sent an email to my supervisor, the company owner, and HR Director.

me: Hi. Just letting you know that I have a dr. appt. on the morning of Jan. 20th. It’s at 9am and i’m not sure how long it will be, but i’ll be in afterwards. Also, I need to schedule a minor surgical procedure. Not sure what date, but i’ll try to schedule it for the following friday so i will only miss one day of work. I’ll let you know. thanks.

supervisor: ok.

Owner: You’re not getting anything reduced, are you?

me: No.

HR Director: What’s it for?

me: I think you’re not supposed to ask that.

Owner: Oh, someone is feeling sassy today.

me: no, but i’d rather not say, and you aren’t supposed to ask.

HR Director: Ok. As long as you aren’t getting anything reduced, we’re fine with it.

me: I’m getting my penis removed, okay?

end of email exchange.

We’ve come a long way, baby!

I can’t help keep wondering what planet American men think discrimination laws were established for. They certainly don’t seem to think they were written for THEM.

This smart women is saving this email exchange, and is beginning her documentation folder.

Source

The woman, surnamed Luo, suffered repeated groping from her new boss at the Japanese-owned company Moriroku (Guangzhou) Plastics Company Limited. She complained to the institution officials, even producing photographs of her boss in action at a party. All she requested was an apology and a promise that the company would work to prevent such incidents from happening again. Instead, the fired her.

Luo reported to the China Daily, “They fired me under the excuse of skipping duties without valid reasons….I still live in a terrible psychological shadow after sexual harassment. I have been turned down for several jobs since the case was brought to court.”

The court ordered her former boss to pay 3,000 yuan ($440) in compensation and demanded the company issue an apology letter three weeks ago.

But you know those Chinese and their human rights abuses against women….tsk, tsk. We are so more evolved in the U.S.–NOT!

This is much like every other story I heard since SHS came into being: institutions trying to get around discrimination law by firing the complainants using some lame or trumped up charge about her performance. Many of these are published at the stories area of SHS, there are certainly too many to list here. For me, the professor-stalkers’ particularly lame excuse for their most recent conduct–including phone tapping and repeated burglary–is that I’m ADD and “not focused.” (Earlier, when I would not pursue any of them sexually, in retaliation they spread the blatant lie that I was cheating in school.)

Moreover, the same blackballing is also going on in the U.S., with people often unable to find new jobs after they are fired in retaliation for harassment complaints. And you are really up-a-creek if you come from a small community. I know of one couple who both worked at the company where the wife was harassed. They were literally run out of town after the boss’s conduct came to light.

The U.S. is as violent, discriminatory, and sexist as any other country that we love to point our fingers and sniff at. Will the people of the United States ever grow up enough to have the strength and maturity to see the truth about themselves? Let’s hope so.

Source: 1

If you don’t know about this, Liza (63) got sued by her chauffeur for quid pro quo harassment. The victim said she made many repeated attempts to “compel plaintiff to have sex with her.’ He eventually gave in, but only after she threatened to fire him if he didn’t comply. He also claims she beat him during drunken rages. Source

This kind of thing isn’t as uncommon as you would think, and the EEOC reports that sexual harassment complaints by men against female supervisors are on the rise. Feminists have always said that women don’t sexually harass because they don’t have the power to. But women are stepping into more and more positions of power and are definitely abusing it, really making many of the same mistakes men have made. Women are less likely to use their power to sexually harass, but they are responsible for most of the reported workplace bullying cases which is becoming as big a problem as sexual harassment. (Interestingly, most of their targets are other women.)

Still, sexual harassment by females does happen–it’s happened to me–and we occasionally get a story submission involving this. Just see the stories area of the site.

What is most scary is that most of the stories of sexual harassment/exploitation by women that I have heard involve teachers, and many of these victims are very young. There is a blog that followed these types of stories. They quit posting a year ago, but it’s still out there. (This is where I found a lovely picture of Jay Glosser.) See Trash Education

I haven’t really been following all the chatter about this, but there is chatter about the chatter at our support group. Some are very upset about how a lot of people are dismissing Letterman’s actions as being not a serious breach of ethics. And I know that many in the media have raised the question about whether Letterman has been harassing his employees, and NOW has issued a strong statement. So there has been discussion of SH going on, with even some talk show hosts saying that this is just “how men are” and women have to get used to it. (I have to admit, this greatly upset me when I heard it.)

I’ve written about quid pro quo harassment already, and it sounds like the Letterman show had a culture of implied quid pro quo harassment going on. The rumor is that it was known by pretty much everyone on his staff “what women had to do to get ahead” on his show. Seems he has a bedroom above his office called “The Bunker” for his favorite female staffers.

I don’t know if this is true or not, but if it is, it is absolutely quid pro quo harassment and is illegal as anything. It doesn’t just discriminate against the women who have to provide sexual favors to get ahead, it discriminates against those who don’t give in as they often have greater difficulty moving up the ladder because they don’t allow themselves to be sexualized.

And did the men have to have sex with Letterman to get ahead there? I doubt it.

In their press release, NOW states:

“Recent developments in the David Letterman extortion controversy have raised serious issues about the abuse of power leading to an inappropriate, if not hostile, workplace environment for women and employees. In the case of Letterman, he is a multi-million dollar host of one of the most popular late-night shows; in that role, he wields the ultimate authority as to who gets hired, who gets fired, who gets raises, who advances, and who does entry-level tasks among the Late Show employees. As “the boss,” he is responsible for setting the tone for his entire workplace — and he did that with sex. In any work environment, this places all employees — including employees who happen to be women — in an awkward, confusing and demoralizing situation…..

“Every woman — and every man — deserves to work in a place where all employees are respected for their talents and skills. The National Organization for Women calls on CBS to recognize that Letterman’s behavior creates a toxic environment and to take action immediately to rectify this situation.”

Read the full press release

Personally, I’m angriest at the apathy and minimizing. To say that this is just “how men are” and women should get used to it is like saying, well, some people are just racist and that’s just how things are, but that’s life. Or, some people are just anti-semetic. Deal with it.

Bullshit!!! I won’t just deal with it.

We keep pointing our fingers at the Middle East for THEIR backwards attitudes about women. In the U.S., we have a very long way to go before we become as evolved as we think we already are.

And if these rumors are true, then to the Letterman staffers who have been so exploited and discriminated against, I have only two words to say: class action.

Pretty Persuasion particularly takes on the false allegations issue, focusing it around sexual harassment and racial discrimination. Constant references to David Mamet’s Oleanna are made throughout. The script mimics his dialogue and even the way he structures his story-telling. (Oleanna was a Mamet play and later movie about sexual harassment in higher education and suggests strongly that the allegations of the complainant are false.)

Neither of these dismiss the problem of abuse and discrimination. They simply say that false allegations are one of the few ways dis-empowered people have to fight back against a system that holds them down because of gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation. In the Mamet play, the university professor (the accused) is the epitome of the white-male-asshole, dominating, controlling, viewing education as “hazing” which he admits he enjoys. Mamet uses the phrase “White Man’s Burden.” to illustrate how the professor views his role as a teacher and elite male in society. The female student who later accuses him can barely get a word in edgewise when she goes to him for help. In Pretty Persuasion the male teachers in the movie take none of their female or foreign students seriously, viewing them as objects to abuse and lech over. In this movie, set in a private high school, an English teacher’s “White Mans Burden” is teaching a new Muslim student to speak proper English, a task he lets her know he finds disgusting but necessary. Here, the students fight back by bringing a blatantly false sexual harassment claim against the English teacher, though he is guilty of all the discriminatory and lecherous attitudes they accuse him of.

I’ve written a little about harassment complaints as a power play in my article on false allegations. I can say that without a doubt this really happens. I know because I hear from these people here at SHS. They want to publish their stories or they join the support group, and there is either nothing remotely sexually harassing about their cases, or, if there is, it is so mild that most people wouldn’t even notice it.

Most of the articles I’ve written here were inspired by recent emails or email trends which touch on patterns I’ve seen in my years working with SHS. This one is no different. A man submitted a story for publication last week that was clearly describing a power-play. He fought back against a bully boss by bringing a sexual harassment complaint against him when the latter made a sexual comment that wasn’t even referring to anything sexual.

Here is a quote from the story that pretty much gives the gist of the situation (Normally I only paraphrase from stories I DON’T publish, but I think in this case, we need his words exactly.):

I recently had a Floor Manager write on my Log Sheet “Take your nose out the customers ass”. Then about 3 seconds later, this manager turned back around & verbally stated…”yeah, just take the customers cock out your mouth”.

Now, I’im a guy, I should be able to take statements like that & just walk away right? No, not at all, I’ve been so uncomfortable with this guy around me at work, that its made it very difficult to perform up to the standards that are required of me. He walks around like a pompous arrogant prick all the time.

So, he went to HR and filed a complaint which was pending when he submitted this. Oh, and the bully boss told him he was fired after complaint was filed. (Human Resources later told him he was not fired.)

Okay, this fits the definition of sexual harassment, but only superficially. It fits if you don’t know what sexual harassment really is.

Now, the terms-of-offense are clearly substitute terms for “sucking-up,” “ass kissing,” “brown nosing,” and “wipe your nose” (referring to brown-nosing). We hear these terms all the time, even on TV. Still, I have never heard anyone refer to them as sexual harassment when they are being used. And if you DO think about them as sexual, they are hardly less offensive than the boss’s terms.

Telling someone they are sucking-up is hardly sexual harassment, even if it’s done in a crude, bullying, and unprofessional way. Telling someone they are brown-nosing is hardly sexual harassment, even if the reference is superficially crude.

The giveaway here that this is a power play is the phrase “pompous arrogant prick” used to describe the boss. If the boss was a balanced, fair, solid communicator, I doubt the employee would have been offended by what was said. He would probably have taken it as a joke. But this supervisor is clearly a bully and most employees have little ammunition to fight back against bully bosses. A discrimination complaint was the only weapon available.

This employee’s story is just one example, but know of many others. I can’t share most because of confidentiality (I can only repeat stories submitted for publication). But I think the classic case of the woman who simply can’t set boundaries is another one. This description below is a fiction, but the dynamic is not, I can assure you:

A guy asks a woman out and she is too dis-empowered to set boundaries, or too socialized to be “the nice girl,” which is a HUGE problem for women and rooted in oppression of women. So, she won’t give him an answer. She won’t tell him “No” because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings or make him angry (’cause these aren’t nice). At the same time, she continues to be friendly with him, too be nice. So he keeps asking or flirting, maybe emailing her or calling her, complicated by the fact he may need to call and email her for professional reasons. She starts to get angry, maybe even frightened. It builds and builds. Now she starts to tell herself he is harassing her. Finally, instead of just saying “No,” she deals with it by filing a sexual harassment complaint or a police report, convinced she is making a stand. I have heard of men getting suspended or even fired over this kind of thing. Or, if the employer ignores her compliant, she may file a lawsuit convincing herself she is “doing this for all women.”

As illustrated in the Mamet play and Pretty Persuasion, the stand the victims take is based on projection of the real problem onto something else. The accuser may actually be exploited, abused, and/or discriminated against, and maybe even by the people they accuse. But in the end, the “victim” takes their stand upon a false premise or something that never happened. I think this is the primary root of the problem with most false allegations of sexual harassment–oppressed and exploited people fighting back with the only ammunition they can find.

In all the stories of false accusations I have heard myself, I have no doubt that these people making them have been abused or oppressed throughout their lives, and possibly by those they have accused. But I think the psychological damage from this has made it difficult for them to process and understand conflict. They have difficulty getting a clear perspective, many to the degree that they often see abuse, oppression, and discrimination everywhere they look, in every mistake someone makes with them, in every perceived slight. The oppression they have experienced makes it difficult, if not impossible, for them to communicate about conflict or set boundaries in a constructive way. Because of this, they “stand up” in a way that makes them no better than their oppressors.

It’s the classic cycle of abuse really, when the victim turns around and becomes the abuser. In Pretty Persuasion, the writers draw the analogy of the false allegation, discrimination lawsuit as being like a mass shooting (the “he went postal” kind.)

I am all for people standing up for themselves and for their rights, but it needs to be done in the right way, confronting the problem honestly, confronting the REAL problem. And solutions need to be constructive and not based on revenge. Standing up and speaking up only works if the goal is truly to make things better, not just for the complainant but for everyone in the community where the abuse or discrimination is taking place.

BTW, if you have not seen either Oleanna or Pretty Persuasion, you might want to see them together. Go with Mamet first, since the latter is constantly spoofing his style.

What is new here is that the researchers found that women who become supervisors were the most likely of all to be targeted. They reported, “…nearly fifty percent of women supervisors, but only one-third of women who do not supervise others, reported sexual harassment in the workplace. In more conservative models with stringent statistical controls, women supervisors were 137 percent more likely to be sexually harassed than women who did not hold managerial roles. While supervisory status increased the likelihood of harassment among women, it did not significantly impact the likelihood for men.

“This study provides the strongest evidence to date supporting the theory that sexual harassment is less about sexual desire than about control and domination,” said Heather McLaughlin, a sociologist at the University of Minnesota and the study’s primary investigator. ‘Male co-workers, clients and supervisors seem to be using harassment as an equalizer against women in power.’” Source: Science Daily

One woman reported, “I was being harassed. I was being undermined,” she explains. “I think they were intimidated by me, and this was the only way to get power back.”

Another woman reported, “The higher you were, the more of a power trip it became for men, and sometimes I thought they were not even aware of what they said. Source:MSNBC

Basically, this means that as women move up the ladder in their companies, the men they work with simply can’t handle it, and work harder and harder to objectify and degrade them, to psychologically bring them back down below the glass ceiling where they belong. McLaughlin believe this study provides further proof that people are not accepting women in positions of power.

The MSNBC report is more in depth, but the Science Daily report has links to other interesting articles on gender and harassment. Check out both of them

Its been argued that Quid Pro Quo can be unintentionally implied if the harasser is in a postition of power over the other person. In these situations, the target may feel they have to give into the attentions of an harasser even if there was no stated threat of retaliation if they refused. The target gives in out of fear of what will happen if they don’t. For example, they give in because they believe they will be fired if they don’t, or failed from a course, etc. I’ve heard this point-of-view many times, and it’s one of the reasons many experts argue that there is no such thing as a consensual sexual relationship between a superior and a subordinate.

Quid Pro Quo harassment can also occur in the aftermath of sexual relationships in the workplace or at school (consensual or not is arguable) when one person does not want the relationship to end. The harasser may try to keep things going by threatening the other with promises to terminate them or to sabotage their ability to do their work (again, usually by withholding needed resources). Or, the harasser may just start retaliating until the victim gives in and starts to have sex with them again. I have heard of several stories where the harasser threatened to file criminal charges of theft/embezzlement against the victim who had been given personal use of a credit card, or other monetary assistance, while the sexual relationship was still going on. (Of course, there would be no charges pressed if the employee consented to providing sex again to her employer.)

This woman’s story is an example of where the threat of firing was implied after she had missed work recovering from a neck injury. Another example is Cindy’s story whose boss wanted sex in exchange for transportation to her job. When I was first defining my own sexual harassment experience (by professors), one of the first students I talked to about it told me about when her biology professor asked for sex in exchange for higher grade on an exam. Pam’s story describes how her teacher wanted to work out a “deal” when she failed a make-up exam. I suspect the most recent story I published (John’s story) also has elements of Quid Pro Quo harassment–and yes, by another professor. Humiliated shared a story of harassment by a police officer who told her he would help her fight a ticket if she went out to dinner with him.

Lindsay’s story shows how someone can give into a bosses demands for sex out of fear even if there was no threat of retaliation if she refused.

Quid Pro Quo can be one of the most damaging forms of exploitation because it makes the victim feel complicit in their abuse. We hear from them here at SHS, but they are often the quietest voices because they are so wracked with guilt and shame at what they believe they allowed themselves to be drawn into. They rarely publish their stories, usually burying their experiences in comments to others, or sharing only at the closed support group. In a culture that gives little support to harassment victims, these get the least because so many people blame them for giving in, just as they blame themselves. A woman who posted a comment the other day shared an amazing story, but she won’t formally publish it because her family is too devastated by what her boss has put her through.

I know that the economy will make this problem much worse. As people are hanging onto their jobs for dear life, many people will be locked into harassment situations–many of them Quid Pro Quo–because there will be so few options for them if they leave. If the only options are providing sex vs. not being able to pay your bills and put food on the table, well, we all know the choices some will be forced to make.

I shudder at the thought of what may be going on right now as I type this.

And of course, people who are gay are very common targets for harassment–they put up with it throughout their lives.

But many view it has harassment just to be slapped with the label “gay” or “lesbian.”

Making statements about anyone’s orientation is certainly mild sexual harassment in that is is a violation of boundaries and privacy to many people. Your sex life is no one’s business. Though I know a lot of people who like to make it everyone’s business, but that is a choice, and shouldn’t be forced. For those who feel their private lives deserve to remain private and not the fodder for gossip or harassment…well, I don’t blame anyone for being upset about any sort of encroachment in this area.

And often, someone making statements about another’s sexuality or sex life is a common first step towards their eventually making a pass at that person.

But it’s the over-stepping of the boundary that makes it harassment, not the label itself. There is nothing wrong with being gay, so it shouldn’t be viewed as an insult.

I was being harassed by a lesbian professor who was going around telling people I am a lesbian because she wanted to date me–I am not a lesbian, last time I checked, but she needed to believe in her fantasy. At first, I was angry about this, mostly because of the boundary violation, plus she was also stalking me and also did eventually make a pass at me. But I was also angry about being labeled falsely. Eventually I saw my reaction went against my value system in that I don’t believe there is anything wrong with it. I’ve had many gay friends in my life, both male and female. If there is nothing wrong with it, it isn’t an abusive label.

Equating the label “gay” as negative is the same thing as equating feminine qualities, as negative. Both men and women have always used descriptors such as “fights like a girl” or “is a pussy” if they want to insult or degrade someone. (This is another one of the reasons male homosexuals are often targeted because many are deemed to be sensitive and too female.)

This is such a serious problem that we are hearing all the time about suicides because of bullying over perceived sexuality of kids too young to even know much about sex. In April of 2009, 11 year old Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover committed suicide after chronic bullying from his peers because he was perceived to be feminine, and thus, homosexual. (See story)

One of the best ways we can stop these labels as being viewed as abuse is to quit equating them with negative qualities. Frankly, I think to view these as insults is as discriminating as being labeled with them. In this, the victim is as wrong as the perpetrator!

If someone is saying you are gay and this isn’t true, don’t respond in a way that works to perpetuate the idea that there is something wrong with people who are gay. Have the decency and strength of character to deal with this in a way that combats this kind of discrimination. Come back with what Charlie Chaplin said when someone accused him of being Jewish when he publicly criticized the Nazis back in the 30s. He said, “Sorry, I don’t have that honor.”

Some food for thought….

Last week, Letterman joked that New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez had “knocked up” the former vice-presidential nominee’s daughter during a family trip to a baseball game.

Here is the joke:

“One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez,” he quipped.

But the daughter in question was 14-year-old Willow, not the intended target, 18-year-old unwed mother Bristol. Letterman said the following night that he was confused between the two and would never make sexual jokes about a 14-year-old. It was the 18-year-old he meant to joke about.

He has apologized sincerely and publicly, but everyone is still harping about this. It’s beating a dead horse.

Here is Sarah Palin’s response to his apology (she sent this to Fox News in a statement on Tuesday):

“Of course it’s accepted on behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who ‘joke’ about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve.” source

Jab! Clearly, she is still pissed, and over something that he really didn’t do.

Letterman named the wrong daughter by MISTAKE. It was not an intentional joke about child sexual exploitation. There is no reason to keep beating him about the inappropriateness of making jokes about this crime because this was never the intention.

If they had gotten the right daughter, it would have been a pretty funny joke, really.

He said he was sorry. Everyone needs to let this die now.

(And that is SHS’s official position on this issue.)