The truth is, most abuse and violence cannot be proven and there is little justice for the victims. This sad fact goes a long way towards destroying the victim’s hope and trust in the world, and the people around them. This usually leads to despair, and more bad things, often self-inflicted or self-imposed. This is why some victims remain “victims” in their minds, and they cannot move on to recovery and viewing themselves “survivors.”

Activism does much to stop this process from eroding your whole being. If you can’t fight the person/people who harmed you, you can combat the problem in the world. You can work to raise awareness, and maybe keep someone else from being hurt in the future. No one who does this can feel hopeless; it isn’t possible. The very act of fighting the problem that lead to your injury says that you know there is hope that things can get better.

It’s a way of taking that consuming anger and putting it to constructive use. Anger can almost become rejuvenating energy.

I know that my own work here at SHS has helped more than anything else I’ve done to bring some kind of meaning to my own experience with sexual harassment and stalking. The thank you’s I receive every week from people all over the world almost lead me to believe that there was a reason for the violence I’ve endured by these very sick professors who have harmed me.

Oh, and by the way, I have never been an activist-type in my life, even when I was in college. And I’m hardly a care-taker type. That phrase “I just want to help people” kind of jars me as being soooo saccharine. I’m much to jaded for that kind of thing. So, as a jaded, former-apathetic, I’m telling you, activism is really powerful stuff. What comes around really can go around.

To help encourage people to engage in some kind of activism, I created a forum over at the SHSF–our support and discussion group–for people to post about things they are doing, or are considering doing. I’ve also been posting announcements about the work of others I hear about. (The emphasis is small, grass roots groups and individuals, not large organizations.)

Today, RAINN, (the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) sent me their most recent PA. RAINN is a national organization that offers counseling and resources to survivors of rape, violence, and sexual abuse. In the PA they share the story of a teenager who raised a small amount of money that has helped the organization in a big way. I tried to put a link to the PA here, but it isn’t working. Anyway, here is what they wrote:

Alexis has been a RAINN supporter since 1999. In December of 2008, she committed to raising the funds to enable 150 victims of sexual assault to receive help through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines.

Through reaching out to her friends and family and asking for a modest gift of $5 or $10, Alexis was able to exceed her goal.

Alexis did not ask anyone to stretch beyond their means, but instead relied on her belief in RAINN’s mission to encourage the support of others. ….

In just a few weeks, Alexis Fedor raised $515 by reaching out to her friends and family. Through many modest donations of $10 or $15, Alexis enabled 150 victims to receive the help that they needed.

I’m not trying to get you all to donate to RAINN, or volunteer for RAINN–but it’s a great organization. I’m just showing this as an example of what one person can do to make a difference and help keep these kinds of services going. Even little things can go a loooooong way.

Other things you can do:

*start a blog and write about the issue which will help continue to raise public awareness and encourage discussion
*create a brochure with information and lists of resources and distribute it at your school or workplace
*start a discussion group or Internet forum
*create posters to draw attention to the issue
*get a button-maker and create buttons with captions that raise awareness and distribute them
*use a social networking site and create a space for support and discussion about the issues

That’s just a few things off the top of my head. There are really endless possibilities. Be creative and use your existing talents and skills. If you like to do art, do something artistic. If you like to write, do something journalistic. If you like exercise or sports, do something that involves these. You can even dedicate your playing a specific sport to raising awareness about the issue. (The Iranian soccer team’s wearing green wristbands made a huge statement about the election when they did this a week or so ago.)

If you have been a target of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, or any type of violence, consider including activism as part of your recovery. It needn’t be a big commitment. You can do something small, like this teenager did for RAINN. But I promise you, big commitment, small commitment–whatever you do will not just go a long way to fight abuse and violence, the greatest impact will be on yourself and your recovery.

Tips on how to heal from painful, traumatic experiences

• Talk about it. Express how you are feeling about the trauma. You can talk to someone in person, use an online support group or even journal about the event.

• Seek support to help deal with the trauma in your life. Lean on family and friends, doctors or anyone else in your corner.

• Give yourself permission to heal. When you stop dwelling on the painful experience you can look to the future with a clean slate.

• Explore your spirituality. Many people find that their faith is what gets them through the traumatic times on their lives.

• Be good to yourself. Treat your body with respect. Eat healthier foods and exercise regularly to reduce stress and promote health.

• Do things you really enjoy doing, whether it’s fishing, shopping or volunteering. Finding something to do with your free time will keep you from dwelling on the trauma.

• Indulge in your creative side. Write, draw, paint, redecorate or build something to get your creative juices flowing and keep your hands busy.

• Challenge the negative thoughts that run through your head.

• Stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control.

• Learn to express your feelings in a healthy way.

• Learn to accept your feelings for what they are.

• Find ways to become completely relaxed. Try yoga, meditation, prayer or even a warm bath to stay relaxed and keep stress to a minimum.

For more information on recovering from trauma, visit these organizations:

Sidran
Dr. Baldwin’s Trauma Pages

It’s interesting. There is a quote out there that goes something like “Fire destroy and fire create”, and in our case, the fire could be our anger. Yikes. When it comes to Anger Fighting 101, sometimes the best way to channel our rage is to experiment with techniques.

For some, a good way to release anger is painting. There isn’t anything quite like blasting music and furiously stabbing at a canvas or piece of cardboard-whatever the painting surface is-with colors as lucid as the emotions you’d be feeling.

Not everyone is an artist, and that is okay. You don’t need to be an artist to use art as an outlet, though. If painting is not your preference, there are a slew of other options: drawing, collages, music, writing, even dance… the options are endless. Try looking at the Survivor’s Art Foundation for some inspiration.

Yet, what if you just cannot stand these types of outlets? Maybe this next one could work for you.

This exercise hails from Wings of Fire, which is a site for abuse survivors mainly in the BDSM lifestyle. However, even if you are not into BDSM, this site still has plenty of helpful articles on different types of abuse as well as its’ after effects.

Anyway, the exercise in that particular article guides the reader into imagining their anger as a sort of object, perhaps a slimy pile of goo that seems to stick to everything. Once you have imagined your anger, then try to imagine your means of getting rid of it. Is your anger a giant log? Try setting fire to it. What if your anger really is a pile of slime? Maybe imagining washing it away with special anti-slime soap or peeling it away from you and tossing it in the street, only to have it run over by a semi, is your way of getting rid of it.

Either way it goes, it just boils down to: the object (AKA anger) and how you get rid of it.

However, it is an emotional exercise as well. It’s okay if you have to do this exercise multiple times.

If you are thinking “That is such a stupid exercise!” and want to know something else, then try this classic: the letter.

That’s right, a letter. This might be better suited for the creative outlets portion of this article, but it is a wonderful exercise, thus it gets a mention of its’ own.

One of the common ways of doing this exercise is to write a letter to your perpetrator(s). However, this is not a letter that you would actually send to them, so feel free to not censor your thoughts! Do you have a strong desire to scream every profanity at the perp? Write it all out.

Any anger, or even any other emotion you might feel towards the perp, could all be written down on paper. There is no length requirement, and there won’t be anyone breathing down your neck to get correct grammar. This is an exercise to purge feelings, not a school assignment (thankfully).

Once you’re finished with your letter, then you have the joy of thinking about what you want to do with it. You could hide it away, or burn it and scatter the ashes. Maybe you’ll bury it. Maybe you’ll frame it and put it on your wall. Maybe the letter would become dog food.

The choice is certainly yours.

It almost seems empowering as well, right? In sexual harassment, our power gets taken from us, and hopefully by realizing the choices you have to reclaim yourself or purge angry feelings, you feel powerful in the process. YOU have the choice of choosing how you want to work through your feelings.

If your choices include causing harm to yourself or self-medication, then I HIGHLY advise that you find a healthier way of coping.

Here is a secret. In my own healing, I encountered many times of either feeling like the effects were getting out of control or, rather, the complete opposite: I couldn’t feel anything. This led to making some stupid choices, and I engaged in some less-than-healthy coping mechanisms.

However, the shame I felt around these mechanisms was near-crippling. One night, I was so ashamed that it literally felt like I couldn’t breathe. Also, in the end, it didn’t help in the recovery process at all, and I forced myself to stop.

Yes, dear reader. The choice is yours when it comes to how you wish to cope with the anger, or with any of the after-effects. If it involves anything damaging, please try to find other ways of dealing BEFORE you engage yourself in harming activities. There are many other options out there other than the ones highlighted in this article, and chances are there is one (or more!) out there that suits you and your circumstances.

Even if you do engage in not-so-healthy coping mechanisms, or you have done so in the past, you are still cherished and supported, and it is possible to stop. Much like reaching out for support in your experiences, you could also reach out if you’re engaging in self-harm or battling an addiction.

You are not alone.

-Lacune

I, by no means, have all the answers – but I can share with you how I have gotten through the last 14 months. I’d be lying if I wasn’t honest and didn’t tell you I’ve felt very desperate, very alone at times.

I have started writing and I write a lot. Everyday. I journal for myself and I write to Representatives and Senators from my State, I write to the Governor, I write to our Congresspeople, I write to the president-elects, I write to stars and people with perceived power that could make a difference in the subject of sexual harassment. If they have a website and contact info – they get either a hand written note or an e-mail.

Some of these people I have written to more than once. I wrote an article for a Women’s Newspaper last summer and they ran with it and it felt incredibly liberating because I was being heard. I write because I need to talk for those who don’t have a voice and I need to make a change in our society for the way women are treated in academia, work, etc. I guess I have decided this was suppose to be a part of my life and while I would not have chosen being sexually harassed – the assistance, the help, the experience, the lessons, I can share with someone and help them – in the end is the reward from what I went through. At the end of the day, I rely on my spirituality to get me through and I think God had a greater plan for me.

Be prepared that you may not always get great responses – I wrote a letter recently to a very influential women in my own community and she wrote me a letter back saying – “I just can’t believe you’ve let this affect you so greatly, just ignore it and get on”….I cried when I read this, but it also ignited a fire in me and I decided to push even harder to make a change – it’s about changing one mind at a time. But, it made me start making contacts again with magazines and newspaper and two of them will be doing a story on sexual harassment in the months to come.

Maybe writing isn’t for you – but I have found it to be an incredible outlet for me and making others aware of the sick behavior we all have to endure. At first, it may have been about making sure my company felt the pain, but I’ve moved past that – and it’s now about making sure we have law changes and stricter fines. I’ve often said sexual harassment is a form of sexual assault – if people get jail terms for sexual assault and harassment is a form of that – why aren’t these people getting jail terms, police records, you name it. The second thing is – the laws need to change – so that when people knowingly do the crime – they do the time. And, what I mean by that is the fines need to be so catastrophic that the company is either forced to adhere to the law or they can file bankruptcy. I do think our time is coming and I do think things are about to change.

I wanted to end this by saying – there is no one that understands sexual harassment fully unless you have gone through it. It’s not about getting over it – it’s about society finally doing the right thing and making sure “we have nothing to get over”.