Speak Up! Blog

May 2, 2009

Fear of anger stops many women in their tracks

Filed under: Confronting the Problem — Jennifer @ 3:14 pm

One of the primary reasons women don’t confront sexual harassment appears to be a fear of inciting anger in the harasser. This isn’t just an issue for young girls, women have the same problem.

Over an over again, in stories published here, emails, reports at the forum, it’s the same thing. “I didn’t want to make him angry.”

Why is this? Why are the harasser’s feelings more important than her’s? Are woman so socialized to take care of others that we will even take care to protect people who are showing disrespect or even abuse?

I can understand if the harasser has power over the victim–such as when it is a supervisor or teacher. But girls and woman struggle with the same issue even if the harasser is a peer.

Another interesting pattern which I’ve picked up while entering the surveys–many woman view the harasser’s becoming angry as a form retaliation for the complaint. It isn’t. Anger is an emotion. Retaliation is a negative action, such as giving someone a poor evaluation, or firing them, in the aftermath of harassment or a complaint about harassment. If the guy gets angry, this is just an emotion and does not count as retaliation.

This could be because woman have been socialized for so long to work on being as “attractive” as possible, and to suppress any of their own anger about anything because anger is so, well, unattractive. And being afraid of an emotion in ourselves gets projected into fears of stirring up the same emotion in others.

Then there is the issue of women’s historical role at enforcing social rules and maintaining stability. While feminism did much to free women up to try to change their limited lot-in-life, socialization can take a long time to reverse. Perhaps many women are still struggling with the pressures to avoid making anyone angry because this is another way of making waves. (or maybe they are afraid that what the angered harasser will do will make waves.)

Or maybe I’m reaching here….

I don’t really know. All I do know is that one of the biggest stumbling blocks women have in confronting sexual harassment is this issue with anger–not just their own, but also the anger of others. I hear this over and over–”I didn’t want to make him angry,” no matter what the age of the people involved, or how little real power the harasser has over their target.

Clearly, I’m going to have to do some research on this. I’ll get back to you when I have some info.

March 29, 2009

Wow, a real man!

Filed under: Effects of Sexual Harassment, General issues — Jennifer @ 12:57 pm

This was posted over at the stories site, but I thought it’s another one that should be highlighted.

Here is the story:

Cara, Arizona

One day in 5th grade there was a new student who immediately he took interest in me. He always flirted with one of my classmates and I. One day after lunch he spanked me.

I tried to ignore him although it did not work. It continued for the rest of the year, but not that serious.

On day in the 6th grade, a friend of mine and I were walking when he came up to me suddenly and grabbed my breast. Then he quickly ran away screaming, “I’m finally a man!”

The next day, he told his friends about it, and they didn’t believe him. So, he did it again!

Then everyone knew about it, and I was automatically branded the “school whore.”

It was so bad, I had to transfer to the only other school. No one knew about the things that happened to me, and I wasn’t popular like at my old school. But at this new place, at least I was free from sexual harassment.

This scenario is a good example of how the seeds of the abuse of women are sown early and are socially enforced.

This kid has been taught that molesting girls makes him a man. But of course, it is not enough that he groped her. He had to be sure all the guys KNEW that he groped her.

What is worse, she gets branded for it, and is run out of her own school. Where were the teachers here??!!

I think this is one of the most disturbing stories I’ve heard here, not because it’s the worst abuse I’ve heard of, but because of the mentality it illustrates.

We have a long long way to go yet before we can really call ourselves “civilized.”

March 15, 2009

People still don’t get it: the definition of sexual harassment

Filed under: General issues, Sexual Harassment Law — Jennifer @ 2:28 am

I got two of them today–emails and story submissions crying out for help with sexual harassment that isn’t sexual harassment. I got one from a man and one from a woman.

People still don’t get it at all.

A big part of the problem seems to stem from the fact that sexual harassment is defined as being a form of gender discrimination, or specifically “discrimination based on sex.”

And truthfully, sexual harassment “training” isn’t really helping much. Everyone I know who has attended one of those seminars said that all the attendees laugh and snicker throughout. These sessions don’t seem to be teaching people what the problem really is about and why it is so serious.

Sexual harassment laws were originally written to protect women from a particular method of discrimination as they were increasingly integrating into the workforce. Sexual harassment became a form of backlash against them by men who were angry at having to compete with women in the workplace. Many men did NOT want them there and lashed out in ways that were meant to drive the women down and out. They used sexually degrading treatment and sexualized environments to do this. (The Jenson vs. Eveleth Mines case is a good example of how this worked.) Sadly, this is still a very common problem.

Also, the laws were meant to protect subordinate women from being sexually exploited by their male superiors, for example, making it illegal for a supervisor to require an employee to date him or have sex with him to keep her job. It is scary how common this STILL is, too.

These laws have been expanded to (supposedly) protect students from the same types of harassment and exploitation from peers and school employees, such as teachers and coaches. Moreover, Oncale vs. Sundowner extended the laws to protect men from the same abuses.

Jump forward a few decades to today, and you will find that many have misinterpreted the laws and their purpose to the extent that they are screaming “Sexual harassment!!” the minute someone uses language they find offensive, brushes against them at the water cooler, or has trouble getting along with an opposite-gender colleague. If a problem contains the tiniest whiff of sex or gender, it’s being labeled sexual harassment.

I put part of the blame on the poorly executed training seminars that focus on the symptoms and not the larger problem of how SH is a form of discrimination.

Plus, we are so focused on sex in our society, the discussion is getting skewed in this direction, when the larger problem remains GENDER DISCRIMINATION on the whole.

Here is the definition of sexual harassment. This definition is from the SHS main site home page, and is adapted from the EEOC definition, which is the U.S. government definition. (When I say “adapted,” this means it was made a bit more comprehensive in it’s description for clarity, though clearly not enough.)

Sexual harassment is unwanted and unwelcome behavior, or attention, of a sexual nature that interferes with your life. Sexual advances, forced sexual activity, statements about sexual orientation or sexuality, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature all constitute sexual harassment. The behavior may be direct or implied. Sexual harassment can affect an individual’s work or school performance, and can create an intimidating, hostile, or offensive environment.

Sexual harassment can occur in a number of ways, such as:

* The victim as well as the harasser can be either male, or female. The harasser does not have to be of the opposite sex.
* The harasser can be anyone: the victim’s supervisor, a client, a co-worker, a teacher or professor, a schoolmate, a stranger, even a family member.
* The harasser’s behavior must be unwelcome.
* The victim does not have to be the person directly harassed but can be anyone who finds the behavior offensive and is affected by it.
* While adverse effects on the victim are common, this does not have to be the case for the behavior to be unlawful.
* The harasser may be completely unaware that their behavior is offensive or constitutes sexual harassment, or they may be completely unaware that their actions could be unlawful.

Here are two scenarios that better describe the confusion that many seem to be having:

–A woman is denied a job as a carpenter because the crew boss believes a woman cannot do that job as well as a man.
–A woman is denied a job because she refuses to have sex with the manager doing the hiring.

A lot of people think both are sexual harassment. Only the second one is sexual harassment. Both are forms of gender discrimination.

Here are two more scenarios:

–A man works on an otherwise all female nursing crew at a hospital. He is frequently subjected to pinching, spanks, and remarks about his physique.

–A male nurse is frequently subjected to comments from his female coworkers about how men make inferior nurses. The team leader has stated she only hires male nurses for help with the more physical nursing duties, such as lifting and moving patients.

Only the first describes sexual harassment. Both describe discrimination.

Also, a consensual sexual relationship is not sexual harassment. Affairs can go sour, and what was pleasurable in the beginning can be mistakenly labeled “sexual harassment” by either party if they are angry after the relationship breaks up, or the break up is one sided. Legally, a consensual relationship is SH only if it was stated or implied something bad would happen to you if you didn’t comply with the sexual demands of the other person, such as being told you would be fired, or given an “F.” However, many have argued that there is no such thing as a “consensual relationship” between two people where one of them has a considerable amount of power over the other, such as in a relationship between a subordinate and a supervisor, or between a teacher and student. Truthfully, many have given into the sexual demands of an employer or teacher, without any coercion, because they believed they had no other choice.

Even as I work every day at SHS as a way of bringing some kind of meaning to my own harassment experience and the aftermath, I am concerned about how the discussion on sexual harassment is pushing aside the larger problem of gender discrimination and violence which are at the root of true sexual harassment in the first place. I think our preoccupation with sex in our society is causing us to narrow our view of the problem of gender discrimination, particularly discrimination against women. Sex is just sexier, and sells better, and stories about SH make better sound bytes than stories about gender discrimination, which remains a huge problem.

I think if people had a more comprehensive understanding of the issues, there would be less confusion about exactly what constitutes SH, and maybe a lessening of the problem as a whole. In an age where a sent email containing a racist joke will get the sender fired no matter how high up in the hierarchy he is perched, we continue to not only tolerate, but often encourage, the most degrading and sexist attitudes and behaviors towards women. This is happening not only in the workplace, but in the home, and in schools, and rarely does anything happen to the perpetrators.

March 5, 2009

Porn Friday

Filed under: General issues — Tags: , , — Jennifer @ 9:36 pm

I can’t really type right now (injured hand) but I wanted to put this out as it really ticks me off. We don’t feature stories here at the blog, but this one is particularly enraging. It’s about one woman’s experience with the massive amounts of pornography being downloaded in her workplace. (She is an IT manager and it’s her job to monitor Internet activity there.)

This is a form of “indirect sexual harassment” or sexual harassment that is not directed at a particular individual. Other examples are environments that display pornography or sexual graffiti, sex toys, or where lots of sexual jokes are tolerated.

Environments that allow this kind of material or activity are called “sexualized environments,” and they have been proven to have significantly higher ratios of direct sexual harassment than those that do not. What this means is that they actually promote direct sexual harassment of individuals.

I’ve only found information about cases in the United Kingdom, but here is a list of them if you want to read more about this issue. (Sexualized environments)

It’s really no different than allowing racist materials or jokes to proliferate–people who do this tend to get fired or asked to resign.

Why aren’t people getting the clue that gender discrimination follows the same patterns as racism?

Here is the story:

Part of my job as an IT Manager was to monitor Internet usage and conduct investigations when people violated the company policy. The policy – which everyone had to sign – prohibited visiting websites that were sexual in nature.

Over the past 4 years, I have seen more porn than I ever cared to see. We’re not talking Playboy kinds of stuff–this was hard core and disgusting. The VP of HR and an attorney in the Legal department started calling me the “Chief Porn Investigator.” Since I always seemed to find this crap on Friday, they made jokes about us having “Porn Friday.”

My boss was the VP of the IT department and he refused to let me spend the money to buy an Internet filtering solution so I could block these sites. He controlled the budget so there was nothing I could do. It took 18 months to convince the HR and Legal departments to force my boss to spend the money to block porn. They finally agreed when I investigated a fetish freak that visited some of the most vile websites I have ever seen. (One site was called “girlsthatgush.com”)
For the rest of the story…click here

BTW, I don’t personally object to pornography–I even have some. Much of it does not degrade, and it can be very artistic. But even this stuff I would never bring to work!

February 6, 2009

False allegations do happen–but they are not the norm

Filed under: General issues — Tags: , , — Jennifer @ 12:48 am

I know this post will be controversial, but it needs to be done because of the emails I have been getting–quite a few about false allegations of sexual harassment. Several of these have been submitted as stories to be published, and while not appropriate for this site (it’s a support forum for people who have really been harassed) I realized there needs to be a place for the stories to be posted. There aren’t enough communications to start an entire forum for the problem. Seems like the blog is the best place since this is the space for any and all opinions about the harassment issue.

Right off the bat, I have to make it clear that most protestations of false allegations are themselves false allegations. Many people who harass think there is nothing wrong with their conduct and that this which makes the accusation false. It does NOT.

Also, a “false” allegation isn’t the same as “cannot be proven” which is the end result of most harassment investigations.

But it is true that false allegations do happen. I know if for a fact. Out of respect for confidentiality, I can’t share most of the situations here, but I swear that I have heard some of the most ridiculous things being labeled “sexual harassment.” Some people think that SHS will validate any and all complaints of harassment, and they get shocked when that doesn’t happen–I told someone they needed a reality check big time, just last week. (I’m not normally that blunt, but man, what she was doing was really toxic.)

There is a website devoted to this problem, but it is so badly done, I can’t really recommend it. There is a discussion forum, and a lot of the posts there are from wives who are in denial about what their husbands have done to get themselves fired.

Strictly speaking, a false allegation means that the complainant asserts that the alleged harasser engaged in behavior that did not happen. They are saying that the victim is lying, or the behavior is not sexual harassment.

In terms of the people we have been hearing from here at SHS, some patterns have emerged in terms of the problems at the root.

Here is one story I can share because the gentleman submitted this as a story to be published. I don’t remember the exact details of his relationship with the coworker as I no longer have the story, but here is the jist:

The “accused” (S) was in the men’s room at work when a cleaning woman came in. S couldn’t see her, but yelled out that she shouldn’t come in as he was in there. She came in anyway while he unzipped and began to urinate. Later, she filed a complaint that he’d sexually harassed her and he was fired. They were communicating in English, but neither party spoke English as their first language, and they were from different countries. The woman seemed to believe he deliberately beckoned her in to expose himself to her.

A lot of problems stem from mis-communications and mis-perceptions like these. This seems to be particularly common when the people involved do not share the same first language–a very common situation in this multi-cultural world of ours. Mis-interpreting pronunciation, mis-hearing sentences, words and phrases that mean one thing in one culture and something else in another. I know of one woman who overheard coworkers talking about her need to “get in bed with them.” She thought they meant sex, but they were really using the expression that meant “she needs to work with us.” Another woman heard her boss say while he was crouching on the floor “I can still get it up,” when he was really saying “I can still get up,” and was joking about is middle-age as he stood up.

Then there is the “Who was flirting with who first?” scenario. People often don’t realize how they come across to others. Many men think that if a woman simply smiles at him, she is coming onto him, or flirting. Others can be flirtatious but have no idea they are coming across that way. You can have two people who are being “friendly” with each other, and either party can begin to think the other has sexual intentions, even if there are none. The uncomfortable party says nothing to the other person about being uncomfortable, yet they turn around and slam the other with an harassment complaint.

I have heard a few stories of false allegations where the “victim” was clearly using an harassment complaint as a power-play. These are men and women who have very dis-empowered personalities and who cannot set boundaries themselves. They pretend to themselves that by filing formal complaints about nothing, they are being strong and assertive adults. Really, they are just bullies.

Then there is the fact that many, many people still don’t understand what sexual harassment really is. They seem to think that if the conflict involves sex in some way, this makes it sexual harassment. In some of these cases, there is evidence that the problem stems from gender discrimination, but not in the form of sexual harassment. (Both men AND women are confused about this.) Sexual harassment is a form of gender discrimination, but not all gender discrimination involves sexual harassment.

Another story–also submitted for publication–involved a man who was wearing a gun to his job doing telephone surveys. He believed this was appropriate to do because the gun is licensed, and he was a security professional and his job “requires I wear a gun at all times,” though he was not currently employed in this field. (His current job did not require a firearm, and the position was not a security position.) He got caught wearing the gun at his job. The supervisor on duty was a female, and she directed him to put his gun in the car, and she went with him to make sure he did this. On the way back, she frisked him to make sure he no longer had a weapon on him, but it sounds like she did a clumsy job because she also got him in the genital area. This man has been insisting that she “groped” him. She probably should have gotten a male employee to do this, but her position would make her responsible for making sure he was no longer armed–many employers would have simply fired him on the spot.

Finally, just because you don’t like what someone is doing to you, this doesn’t automatically make it sexual harassment, or harassment of any kind. For example, the guy who keeps clearing his throat in the next cube is NOT sexually harassing you by doing so. (I swear, this was a real-life complaint.) It is not against the law, or even a violation of civil rights, to irritate or anger someone, though some people think it is.

Harassment is a “victim-defined” crime, and what bothers one person won’t necessarily bother another person. That is why it is imperative that the offended-one tell the other person that their behavior is offensive as they may have no clue they are doing anything wrong. Most alleged harassment situations involve mild conduct, so trying to talk things out first is very appropriate.

A sexual harassment complaint can destroy a work or school environment–so be careful about how you use the grievance process. Be sure of what you are experiencing first. Carelessness can lead the complainant to be guilty of creating the hostile environment rather then the falsely accused “harasser.”

Still, most harassment complaints are true. What is most common is that the behavior continues even after the target says something about it to the harasser. In most cases, the harasser maintains that there is something wrong with the other person if they are offended or hurt by the conduct. In most cases, the harasser not only continues with the conduct, it gets worse.

If someone has told you that they do not like your behavior towards them, I’ve got news for you: simply because you “didn’t mean anything by it,” or you were “just kidding,” or you don’t personally see anything wrong with your behavior, this does not over-ride the complainant’s point-of-view. One person doesn’t get to say what is, or is not, appropriate with another person. If someone says stop-doing-such-and-such-to-me, then STOP! If you don’t, you may be finding yourself spending a lot of time at Human Resources, or in a lawyer’s office.

If you feel you are the target of false allegations of harassment, post a reply to this article. I do think these stories should also be heard. Please keep your story to no more than 1000 words, and use appropriate grammar, spelling, and language.)

January 23, 2009

Take Responsibility for Your Own Boundaries

Filed under: Confronting the Problem — Jennifer @ 11:26 pm

There is a disturbing trend going on regarding the sexual harassment issue–that is, some people are using harassment law as an excuse to stop setting their own boundaries.

What is happening is that, after experiencing behavior that they find offensive, rather than saying anything about it to the trangressor, the complainant runs straight to the boss or Human Resources, often filing a formal complaint. Even worse, this can happen after the tiniest transgression.

This is not only an abuse of harassment law, it makes a mockery of REAL harassment situations when a perpetrator is out of control or inflicting serious, consistent abuse upon another. (I’m sorry, but it makes me angry when a complainant wants financial compensation after a coworker keeps brushing against her at the water cooler–particularly when the “victim” never said anything about it to the “brusher” in the first place.)

One of the problems is that many people–particularly women–have trouble setting boundaries. We can be too worried about hurting feelings or making others angry, and minimize our own needs in the process. We worry too much about being “liked” and accepted. In the end, we end up the ones that are angry or with the hurt feelings.

If someone is speaking to you in a way you do not like, or if they are touching you someplace you do not like–say something about it to them. If they are invading your space, let them know. Do it politely, but firmly.

Sexual harassment has to do with unwanted sexual attention, yet the “harasser” will not know that the attention is unwanted unless you tell them. Yes, some people do deliberately test the boundaries, seeing how far that they can go with you. Others may have no idea they are doing anything offensive, particularly in multi-cultural settings where different types of people have different senses of space.

Also, it may be a simple miscommunication between two people who don’t share the same first language. I’ve read emails and posts from women who were outraged at something that was said to them at work, or on the street, when it was obvious that they were mis-hearing the pronunciation. English was not the first language of one of the people involved, and something innocent was misconstrued as something sexual.

Take responsibility for your own boundaries and safety. Stop being so “nice.” Truth is, most people don’t respect “niceness.” Niceness doesn’t make you a good person. Niceness isn’t decency, or honesty, or integrity, or kindness. Niceness is really just a manipulation–and it won’t make you popular.

If you don’t like what someone is doing, tell them to “Stop!” Don’t go running to the boss, or Human Resources, or the principal if you haven’t tried to remedy the situation yourself, first. Don’t file an “harassment” complaint against someone who may not even be aware that they are harassing you. It may even be a simple miscommunication.

If you don’t know how to set boundaries. There are websites, and books on the topic. Do some role-playing with a friend. Practice saying “No!” in situations where you tend to freeze.

Most importantly, give the situation a chance to be worked through between the you and the transgressor before you go running to management. Frankly it isn’t really harassment until you have communicated your wishes, and they have been ignored. To immediately report an “harassment” situation when you haven’t tried to do anything about it yourself is, well, very lame. Frankly, you could be the one guilty of trying to create a hostile environment.

Yes, there are cases of extreme behavior that warrant going straight to someone in authority. (If your boss walks into your office and promptly exposes himself, I would think a quick trip to HR would be justified.) But most don’t fit this scenario. If not an accident or a miscommunication, most harassment is pretty mild, and often not even directed at the person who is being offended.

If the person doesn’t like you after you have said something, then screw them! You don’t need someone this childish in your sphere. (Oh, and their not liking you afterwards is NOT a form of retaliation–bizarrely, it’s common for some to think it is.)

March 26, 2008

Ramblings on anger and the healing process

Filed under: General issues, Recovery — LacuneRainchild @ 10:17 am

Anger is such a normal reaction in the effects of sexual harassment, and yet it is almost like burning-hot venom in our bloodstream.

It’s interesting. There is a quote out there that goes something like “Fire destroy and fire create”, and in our case, the fire could be our anger. Yikes. When it comes to Anger Fighting 101, sometimes the best way to channel our rage is to experiment with techniques.

For some, a good way to release anger is painting. There isn’t anything quite like blasting music and furiously stabbing at a canvas or piece of cardboard-whatever the painting surface is-with colors as lucid as the emotions you’d be feeling.

Not everyone is an artist, and that is okay. You don’t need to be an artist to use art as an outlet, though. If painting is not your preference, there are a slew of other options: drawing, collages, music, writing, even dance… the options are endless. Try looking at the Survivor’s Art Foundation for some inspiration.

Yet, what if you just cannot stand these types of outlets? Maybe this next one could work for you.

This exercise hails from Wings of Fire, which is a site for abuse survivors mainly in the BDSM lifestyle. However, even if you are not into BDSM, this site still has plenty of helpful articles on different types of abuse as well as its’ after effects.

Anyway, the exercise in that particular article guides the reader into imagining their anger as a sort of object, perhaps a slimy pile of goo that seems to stick to everything. Once you have imagined your anger, then try to imagine your means of getting rid of it. Is your anger a giant log? Try setting fire to it. What if your anger really is a pile of slime? Maybe imagining washing it away with special anti-slime soap or peeling it away from you and tossing it in the street, only to have it run over by a semi, is your way of getting rid of it.

Either way it goes, it just boils down to: the object (AKA anger) and how you get rid of it.

However, it is an emotional exercise as well. It’s okay if you have to do this exercise multiple times.

If you are thinking “That is such a stupid exercise!” and want to know something else, then try this classic: the letter.

That’s right, a letter. This might be better suited for the creative outlets portion of this article, but it is a wonderful exercise, thus it gets a mention of its’ own.

One of the common ways of doing this exercise is to write a letter to your perpetrator(s). However, this is not a letter that you would actually send to them, so feel free to not censor your thoughts! Do you have a strong desire to scream every profanity at the perp? Write it all out.

Any anger, or even any other emotion you might feel towards the perp, could all be written down on paper. There is no length requirement, and there won’t be anyone breathing down your neck to get correct grammar. This is an exercise to purge feelings, not a school assignment (thankfully).

Once you’re finished with your letter, then you have the joy of thinking about what you want to do with it. You could hide it away, or burn it and scatter the ashes. Maybe you’ll bury it. Maybe you’ll frame it and put it on your wall. Maybe the letter would become dog food.

The choice is certainly yours.

It almost seems empowering as well, right? In sexual harassment, our power gets taken from us, and hopefully by realizing the choices you have to reclaim yourself or purge angry feelings, you feel powerful in the process. YOU have the choice of choosing how you want to work through your feelings.

If your choices include causing harm to yourself or self-medication, then I HIGHLY advise that you find a healthier way of coping.

Here is a secret. In my own healing, I encountered many times of either feeling like the effects were getting out of control or, rather, the complete opposite: I couldn’t feel anything. This led to making some stupid choices, and I engaged in some less-than-healthy coping mechanisms.

However, the shame I felt around these mechanisms was near-crippling. One night, I was so ashamed that it literally felt like I couldn’t breathe. Also, in the end, it didn’t help in the recovery process at all, and I forced myself to stop.

Yes, dear reader. The choice is yours when it comes to how you wish to cope with the anger, or with any of the after-effects. If it involves anything damaging, please try to find other ways of dealing BEFORE you engage yourself in harming activities. There are many other options out there other than the ones highlighted in this article, and chances are there is one (or more!) out there that suits you and your circumstances.

Even if you do engage in not-so-healthy coping mechanisms, or you have done so in the past, you are still cherished and supported, and it is possible to stop. Much like reaching out for support in your experiences, you could also reach out if you’re engaging in self-harm or battling an addiction.

You are not alone.

-Lacune

February 28, 2008

What Needs to Happen

Filed under: Confronting the Problem, Recovery — PioneerAdmin @ 2:27 pm

Coping, writing and working  through your feelings

I, by no means, have all the answers – but I can share with you how I have gotten through the last 14 months. I’d be lying if I wasn’t honest and didn’t tell you I’ve felt very desperate, very alone at times.

I have started writing and I write a lot. Everyday. I journal for myself and I write to Representatives and Senators from my State, I write to the Governor, I write to our Congresspeople, I write to the president-elects, I write to stars and people with perceived power that could make a difference in the subject of sexual harassment. If they have a website and contact info – they get either a hand written note or an e-mail.

Some of these people I have written to more than once. I wrote an article for a Women’s Newspaper last summer and they ran with it and it felt incredibly liberating because I was being heard. I write because I need to talk for those who don’t have a voice and I need to make a change in our society for the way women are treated in academia, work, etc. I guess I have decided this was suppose to be a part of my life and while I would not have chosen being sexually harassed – the assistance, the help, the experience, the lessons, I can share with someone and help them – in the end is the reward from what I went through. At the end of the day, I rely on my spirituality to get me through and I think God had a greater plan for me.

Be prepared that you may not always get great responses – I wrote a letter recently to a very influential women in my own community and she wrote me a letter back saying – “I just can’t believe you’ve let this affect you so greatly, just ignore it and get on”….I cried when I read this, but it also ignited a fire in me and I decided to push even harder to make a change – it’s about changing one mind at a time. But, it made me start making contacts again with magazines and newspaper and two of them will be doing a story on sexual harassment in the months to come.

Maybe writing isn’t for you – but I have found it to be an incredible outlet for me and making others aware of the sick behavior we all have to endure. At first, it may have been about making sure my company felt the pain, but I’ve moved past that – and it’s now about making sure we have law changes and stricter fines. I’ve often said sexual harassment is a form of sexual assault – if people get jail terms for sexual assault and harassment is a form of that – why aren’t these people getting jail terms, police records, you name it. The second thing is – the laws need to change – so that when people knowingly do the crime – they do the time. And, what I mean by that is the fines need to be so catastrophic that the company is either forced to adhere to the law or they can file bankruptcy. I do think our time is coming and I do think things are about to change.

I wanted to end this by saying – there is no one that understands sexual harassment fully unless you have gone through it. It’s not about getting over it – it’s about society finally doing the right thing and making sure “we have nothing to get over”.

March 1, 2007

You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me

Filed under: Confronting the Problem, General issues — Jennifer @ 4:57 pm

Stupid and Irresponsible Responses To Sexual Harassment

While victims and targets get all the flack, administrators win hands down in the “stupid responses to sexual harassment” contest.  Whether they are over-reacting, or ignoring blatantly serious problems, no one comes close when it comes to irresponsible, ignorant, or just-plain-lazy approaches to the problem.

Of these, administrators in Education are the kings and queens of stupidity.  It’s scary that those in charge of teaching kids to think do not seem to be able to think themselves.  (Seems that educators have not considered “education” as a method for dealing with SH.)

I’m starting this as a build-on-it post, and will be adding press releases, links to articles, and anecdotes of good examples of stupidity in dealing with/not dealing with sexual harassment. 

If you come across any, or know of any, add them by posting a comment here.  (Please note, all first comments must be approved by the admin before they will appear on the blog.)

Below are a few of what I’m sure will be many additions.

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Ignoring Serious Problems:

School officials ignore repeated complaints of teens exposing themselves to autistic classmate

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In a Communications course I took, one man complained that his grade-school-age son was getting in trouble at school for chronically molesting his female classmates.  The father was positive that this was happening because of the extreme adult content in the R-rated movies they (father and son) watched together.  He was really frustrated about it all.  But when it was suggested that the father quit watching those kinds of movies with his son, he replied, shocked, “but I want to watch those movies!” –Ceara

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School board ignores complaint about sh by chairman, then suspends president for blowing the whistle

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The principal wouldn’t do anything because there were only two days of school left (from the SHS Stories and Experiences site)

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Six young men claim sex abuse by former East Stroudsburg University VP; cover-up alleged

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Over-reactions to Sexual Harassment:  Can we even call any of these “sexual harassment?”

6-year-old suspended

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Maryland 5-year-old accused of pinching buttocks

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Four-year-old suspended for hugging teacher’s aid 

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“(This is) sort of like how I heard our custodian, Mike, was actually fired… it explains his absense. I heard the reason why is because he hugged a student, but everyone knew Mike and hugged him all the time. He didn’t make innapropriate advances to any student, and now he’s not there anymore.” –Lacune  (Update: Mike was suspended, not fired, still it’s pretty extreme for this kind of “hugging.”)

 

 

 

February 17, 2007

Don’t Foam at the Mouth

Filed under: Confronting the Problem — Jennifer @ 4:49 pm

“Rabid” Reactions To Sexual Harassment Make Things Worse, Not Better    

I’ve come across this too many times now to keep quiet about it.  While most people who have been harassed really just want the behavior to stop, there is a “type” of victim (as there are “types” of harassers) who really IS just about getting attention.  They are in the minority, but they do a lot to discredit seriousness of the problem, and are making it difficult for many people to learn about the real issues involved in sexual harassment.

I tend to call these types “the rabid ones.”  These are people who DO experience sexual harassment, but in most cases they were not being targeted specifically.  They just had bosses or coworkers who are immature and sexist, and/or were having to work in mildly sexualized environments.  In many cases, the attitudes were not extremely sexist, or the harassment not really that extreme.  Even if they were targeted specifically, the harassment is usually mild or very short lived.  These are the types of situations where some SH training as part of team building exercises is due, and nothing much else. 

But “the rabid ones” are always out for revenge, and educating harassers is not enough for them.  They need to make the situation be “all about me.”  They want someone to pay, dammit!!  They want someone fired!!! They can go on rampages that actually turn a small problem into a serious one, and lead to a lot of permanent damage-usually to the harassment complainant. (In many cases “the rabid ones” are people with egos as big–if not bigger–than their harassers, and the harassment is actually more of an ego blow than a violation.) 

When no one jumps to avenge the transgression, and their ”needs” are not met, a “rabid one” may develop post-traumatic stress disorder from the trauma of it all.   Yes, you CAN get PTSD from sexual harassment, but it has to be pretty extreme or very chronic, and in most cases accompanied by a lot of retaliation and/or backlash. If any of these people are REALLY getting PTSD from mild or short-lived harassment, they are people who were already at the edge from something else or something old, and the new situation just tipped them overboard. 

(I have to interject here that I’m alarmed at the rate that PTSD is being diagnosed over some pretty mild and/or short-lived harassment experiences–seems that a lot of psychologists don’t know the difference between stress/anxiety, traumatic stress, and PTSD).

Most people have been harassed in their lives, and some of us experience very serious and chronic situations that are life altering–but this does not describe the majority of situations.  Most situations are mild and done out of ignorance/immaturity/stress/situational.  Most harassers are not evil or even predatory.  Most are just stupid.  Few deserve to “die,” few even deserve to get fired or suspended.

I’m not saying it isn’t okay to be angry about even mild harassment.  It is okay.  It’s even okay to be extremely angry at mild harassment.  Just take responsibility for your own reactions.  If your feelings are not in proportion with the transgression, you need to look more closely at yourself.  Yes, confront the harassment if you wish, just don’t insist someone else pay dearly for your own issues.

A sexual harassment complainant should always be committed to working towards a constructive solution. 

Also, being sexually harassed is not an excuse to abandon all reason and compassion.  If you deal with bullying or abuse by becoming a bully yourself, you really have nothing to complain about.  You are no better than the people who harassed you.

If you find yourself being harassed–don’t start foaming at the mouth.  First, try to understand what is really going on.  You may be surprised.  While there are a handful of sick individuals out there targeting people, you are probably dealing with an actual human being, just like yourself.  You might even learn something very valuable in the process. 

For info on how to deal with sexual harassers: CLICK HERE

 

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