Sexual Harassment Stories and Experiences

My coworker is being used as a sex object by the “boy’s club”

Mike, Ontario Canada

I have a story, and am confused as to what to do. I do not know if it is sexual harassment for it is hard to tell if the woman is a willing participant or not. It is occurring at a workplace, where the genders are pretty much equal between 8 employees.

One woman has been having an off and on affair with the boss for over two years. What concerns me is how the affair is set up. By that I mean it appears that the woman is first taunted, played on, egged on, and given drinks by the bosses right-hand man. After she is loosened up, she disappears into a secluded part of a lunchroom where the affair is taking place. It has been very secretive until recently when I accidentally walked in on them.

Not only has she been sexually active with the boss but with other employees as well, in the summer months when there is over 20 immigrant male workers on staff. There seems to be a whole other side of her which the boss uses to have her give certain employees sexual favours. When she is in this mode, she is like a total stranger.

My boss is a sleaze, I have known that for some time, and the woman I have from time to time wondered about, something about her did not make sense. The thing is, before she started here, she was not like this. So, is it possible the boss has somehow made her into who she is now, or somehow brought this dark side out of her? I know her to be temperamental at times, but in general, she is a really good person. Something tells me that the boss, along with certain employees–a boy’s club–have pushed her into this, finding and playing on her weakness’s until she was in so deep that she has lost sight of who she is.

For example, I have noticed that soon after a time with the boss, she is quick to forget the whole thing. I know the boss is up on Stockholm Syndrome, and understands the tactics he has used to control her, but to this extent? The boss’s right hand man has a manipulative way of bringing out the little girl in her, and then he starts to order her around like he is her pimp or something. She can be a really good, kind hearted woman, but it does not take long for a guy coming on to her, being really bad, to turn her on.

Is this behaviour that of an assaulted (sexually abused) victim?

Obviously I have formed an emotional attachment to her, her good side that is. When I first caught sight of this dark side I had to take a step back, but am compelled to help her out of the situation she is in, because I know that deep down she does not feel good about it at all. I have tried to talk to her of her humanity, but she does not see what I am talking about. She has been reduced to a sex object to a large degree, which is disturbing.

I do know that through the situation with the boss, she has gained some power and a few privileges, although to a large extent they are just an illusion. The boy’s club makes her think they are real. They are really messing with her head.

In a nutshell, I see her as a woman the boy’s club can easily have their way with, the boss being one of the club. I question whether she is so intimidated that she thinks she has to say “yes,” or whether she likes the sexual activity, extra marital or not and no matter with how many partners. I feel bad for the situation she is in. I feel it is all wrong but don’t know if I ought to just turn away or try to do something to stop it all??

One more thing to add is that I feel guilt at the thought of walking away and doing nothing even though it would be the best thing for me to do for me. This is really weighing me down emotionally, and causing me a great deal of stress. Help!!…….confused

This entry was posted on Monday, February 19th, 2007 at 1:03 pm and is filed under Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, Effects of Sexual Harassment, Dispelling Sexual Harassment Myths. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

8 Responses to “My coworker is being used as a sex object by the “boy’s club””

Ceara Says:
February 19th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Mike,

     This is one of the saddest stories I’ve heard, and this woman is lucky to have a coworker like you who can see through this very troubled situation.

     Yes, she sounds like an abuse victim, particularly the “two sides” of her you describe. (These kinds of split personalities are common in abuse survivors.) It is all too common for people like this to be exploited further in their lives.

     Also, if they are getting her drunk before the sex (and the drinks could contain date-rape drugs), the sex IS NOT consensual. So, this could be construed as assault, even rape.

     One thing you may not realize is that you are also a sexual harassment victim in that you are having to work in this environment where all this is going on. (An harassment victim is anyone who is exposed to the abuse, and does not have to be the target of it.) This is probably another reason you are being so emotionally drained.

     Is there anyone at all in authority there you can talk to about this? (Does your boss have a boss?)
Tom Says:
February 22nd, 2007 at 5:30 am
     Thank you for your reply, this whole thing has been so confusing….clarity has been elusive. Management consists of family, and matters like this are hushed as soon as possible. Nothing is done about it, in fact the abuse just gets worse with the knowing they can get away with it, if anything is said. The only way to put an end to it as I see it is through the wives of the management. They hold power in that word divorce. I would need some kind of proof, which means I will have to have pictures or something, which is just not me. Show management I have this and then….well I am not sure what would happen then. All I know is that the immigrant workers are going to show up soon and this is way over my head, I am alone in how the immigrant workers will not say or do a thing in order to keep their jobs. With that said I am debating whether or not I should just get out.
     Thanks for your comments, what you said about the victim having almost a split personality helps me understand what is happening here. A sick part of all of this is how the bosses know that she will forget, the count on it and I can see she tries to. The sad part is how she blames herself, and sees herself as far less then a good person. She has changed alot since starting here a few years ago. As have I. She used to be happy just for the sake of being happy, now it seems that she bases feeling good on sexual contact. (Another notch in the belt for the boys club, they stripped a woman of her humanity and made yet another sex toy) In fact just the other day I brought up how she used to be happy, and it really got to her that indeed she used to be. Her expression was remorse, sadness.

     This is a situation which requires legal, subtle and investagative intervention, which will not happen. A sad reflection of society. If were to approach police they would be met with silence and I would be branded and unable to find work any where near here, and the effect on family? The victims situation would only worsen. I am soon to leave, I have kids, and much of my time with them is spent thinking about this, with alot of tension and anxiety. One the other hand, if I do leave I would as I see it not be a responsible member of society. I would be no better than the abusers, silence would be my keyword.
Thanks again….
Ceara Says:
February 24th, 2007 at 11:40 am
Before you leave, maybe you could find the names of local women’s centers who might be able to get this woman some counseling. You could give them to her, maybe in a “goodbye card” that says what you want to say to her. Then you will know you did what you could to help her.

God bless you. You are a very special man.
Lori Says:
March 9th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
Tom,

It appears she may be having significant fears today.It also appears that she is being clearly co-erced as your story strongly suggests. This is a form of sexual abuse.I would recommend you get her help from the labor department and sacs….otherwise known as Sexual assault crisis center. There is also an organization called RAINN. All of these places will provide help for her. You can do research online and get some pamphlets for her and leave them at her desk in an envelope, or someday afterwork. there are very few men who give a damn enough to want to change this. Most men today would think this is ok. I applaud your sense of commitment to do the right thing. You are a decent person. I don’t say that lightly I am a survivor of sexual abuse myself. God be with you.
Robin Says:
March 15th, 2007 at 9:38 am
Tom,

You are very intuitive. Remember that there is a difference between ’submit’ and ‘consent’. You are smart to think about the Stolkhom syndrome. She probably does tell herself some kind of lie so that she can continue to submit and not leave her job. My guess is that the ‘boys club’ probably tells her she can’t get work anywhere else, either. She is strong - and trying to survive what is happening to her. I hope that she does get another job soon, and when she is safe, can get help to understand what has happened to her.
Claire Says:
March 26th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Mike, I wonder if you have now moved on. I would like to hear very much what happened to this woman.

I think that there are many varied forms of subtle, manipulative and confusing sexual harassment like this woman has experienced.

I do hope that she is able to get the help she needs.
Melinda Says:
April 7th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Mike, it’s wonderful that you are concerned for this woman.Clearly she is afraid, and has lost her sense of self. Please do everything in your power to help her.
God bless you.
Mike Says:
September 29th, 2007 at 4:35 am
Thankyou for your support, there is no where I can go for help it seems.
I have been terribly busy with work, yes the same job, and therefore unable to write in as I would have liked to. Nothing has changed at work other than I am able to see more and will write in as time allows. 14-16 hour days means I am surviving only. Anytime off is the kids.
Thanks again and hope to write more soon.