Comments on: As my defenses failed, I became a mess http://sexualharassmentsupport.org/speakupse/2007/12/18/defenses-failed/ Sexual Harassment Stories and Experiences Tue, 14 Oct 2008 04:01:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.2 by: Monica http://sexualharassmentsupport.org/speakupse/2007/12/18/defenses-failed/#comment-28425 Thu, 11 Sep 2008 01:40:16 +0000 http://sexualharassmentsupport.org/speakupse/2007/12/18/defenses-failed/#comment-28425 Hi J Kay, I have also experienced some sort of harassment with one of my university lecturer. It was purely a trap and maybe I could not sue him. I had an appointment to borrow a book and copy some data from his computer at the university. He called and asked me to get out, walk out of the uni then he asked to get in the car, of course I rejected. He talked in a firm, serious, powerful, angry voice. He said " Don't u feel losing face to talk on the sidewalk like that? Get in the car". He was in the car and I was standing outside on the sidewalk. He got me. He's my teacher, and,... I got on his car and he drove away at once. He was going to motel. He said he wanted to have sex with me then I said I would sue him, but I was speechless when he said, I GOT ON HIS CAR, HE DIDNT DRAG ME OR FORCE ME, HOW AM I GONNA SUE HIM? Well, I found a knife in his car and threatened to kill him, but he was not scared at all and even said "you think this little knife can do anything?" and he laughed. I put the knife on my throat instead and said "U may escape, but if the knife on my throat, I wouldn't, if u ruined my reputation, I'd rather die" I was pretty serious and so did my face. He drove back to the university. Later, I still meet him. He even blamed me. He said, I tried to attract him, otherwise he wouldn't dare to. And the way i treat him and other teachers is the same, greeting, being courteous, pay attention in class, help them if they ask. The problem is maybe being too friendly. Well, I still faced him, I dont really want to meet him, but if I met him, I would be normal and not afraid, because I know I didnt try to attract him. We might all be wrong, but not all my mistakes. My cousin said "he's old, he knows things, he's a teacher, he's supposed to have ethical behavior and even claimed that he's a sex predator". He was 34 or 35 and I was about 22. He got married now. You shouldn't feel guilty or afraid to confront. Good luck. Hi J Kay,
I have also experienced some sort of harassment with one of my university lecturer. It was purely a trap and maybe I could not sue him. I had an appointment to borrow a book and copy some data from his computer at the university. He called and asked me to get out, walk out of the uni then he asked to get in the car, of course I rejected. He talked in a firm, serious, powerful, angry voice. He said ” Don’t u feel losing face to talk on the sidewalk like that? Get in the car”. He was in the car and I was standing outside on the sidewalk. He got me. He’s my teacher, and,… I got on his car and he drove away at once. He was going to motel. He said he wanted to have sex with me then I said I would sue him, but I was speechless when he said, I GOT ON HIS CAR, HE DIDNT DRAG ME OR FORCE ME, HOW AM I GONNA SUE HIM? Well, I found a knife in his car and threatened to kill him, but he was not scared at all and even said “you think this little knife can do anything?” and he laughed. I put the knife on my throat instead and said “U may escape, but if the knife on my throat, I wouldn’t, if u ruined my reputation, I’d rather die” I was pretty serious and so did my face. He drove back to the university. Later, I still meet him. He even blamed me. He said, I tried to attract him, otherwise he wouldn’t dare to. And the way i treat him and other teachers is the same, greeting, being courteous, pay attention in class, help them if they ask. The problem is maybe being too friendly. Well, I still faced him, I dont really want to meet him, but if I met him, I would be normal and not afraid, because I know I didnt try to attract him. We might all be wrong, but not all my mistakes. My cousin said “he’s old, he knows things, he’s a teacher, he’s supposed to have ethical behavior and even claimed that he’s a sex predator”. He was 34 or 35 and I was about 22. He got married now. You shouldn’t feel guilty or afraid to confront.

Good luck.

]]> by: cindy http://sexualharassmentsupport.org/speakupse/2007/12/18/defenses-failed/#comment-10706 Sat, 29 Mar 2008 01:29:26 +0000 http://sexualharassmentsupport.org/speakupse/2007/12/18/defenses-failed/#comment-10706 J Kay, I went through a very similar experience. I was attracted to an older mentor, who was also married, and whose wife I also know well. And he ended up sexually harassing me when I fell asleep on one of our field trips. But I did confront him about it and it has given me much peace. I was lucky that he was very apologetic and cooperative. He didn't realize that what he did at that time was harassment because he thought I would like it. But even if I was attracted to him (on an intellectual level), I never ever ever gave any hint of any physical desire for him. So that doesn't excuse him at all. After I confronted him, he apologized, and I forgave him, he never did it again, and we are now back to being friends. It was VERY DIFFICULT, and I still have some traumatic issues, but making peace with the harasser has helped me much. Goodluck to you! Hope you do find the strength to confront him! J Kay, I went through a very similar experience. I was attracted to an older mentor, who was also married, and whose wife I also know well. And he ended up sexually harassing me when I fell asleep on one of our field trips.
But I did confront him about it and it has given me much peace. I was lucky that he was very apologetic and cooperative. He didn’t realize that what he did at that time was harassment because he thought I would like it. But even if I was attracted to him (on an intellectual level), I never ever ever gave any hint of any physical desire for him. So that doesn’t excuse him at all.
After I confronted him, he apologized, and I forgave him, he never did it again, and we are now back to being friends. It was VERY DIFFICULT, and I still have some traumatic issues, but making peace with the harasser has helped me much.
Goodluck to you! Hope you do find the strength to confront him!

]]> by: Robin http://sexualharassmentsupport.org/speakupse/2007/12/18/defenses-failed/#comment-6266 Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:01:33 +0000 http://sexualharassmentsupport.org/speakupse/2007/12/18/defenses-failed/#comment-6266 Your good friend is right - you ARE the victim of sexual harassment. He is a grown man and responsible for his choices - you did NOT mislead him - he read you, and then manipulated you. Are you guilty? of craving good conversation and affirmation? Who isn't?! You are human - mot misleading. You didn't do anything wrong. I hope that confronting him brings you peace. You are worth standing up for! But I am cautious about what that will bring you. Even if you confront him, he won't break down and apologize - he will bluff and accuse and brush you off. Remember - he knows that what he did was wrong and he did it anyway. He doesn't care how much he hurt you - or worse yet, he LIKES that he hurt you! That makes him feel powerful. But you may feel free if you can stand in front of him and express yourself. A quality therapist may bring you more peace than you guess. I have had two experiences. The good therapist was recommended to me by the Sexual Assault Center, as a therapist focusing on women's trauma. She has been a tremendous help. She has given me tools to heal myself with. I hope you have a complete recovery. I hope that the information on this website helps you to understand what happened to you. You are not crazy and it isn't your fault! Thank you for sharing your story; it will help another woman realize that she isn't crazy; and it isn't her fault either! Your good friend is right - you ARE the victim of sexual harassment. He is a grown man and responsible for his choices - you did NOT mislead him - he read you, and then manipulated you. Are you guilty? of craving good conversation and affirmation? Who isn’t?! You are human - mot misleading. You didn’t do anything wrong.

I hope that confronting him brings you peace. You are worth standing up for! But I am cautious about what that will bring you. Even if you confront him, he won’t break down and apologize - he will bluff and accuse and brush you off. Remember - he knows that what he did was wrong and he did it anyway. He doesn’t care how much he hurt you - or worse yet, he LIKES that he hurt you! That makes him feel powerful. But you may feel free if you can stand in front of him and express yourself.

A quality therapist may bring you more peace than you guess. I have had two experiences. The good therapist was recommended to me by the Sexual Assault Center, as a therapist focusing on women’s trauma. She has been a tremendous help. She has given me tools to heal myself with.

I hope you have a complete recovery. I hope that the information on this website helps you to understand what happened to you. You are not crazy and it isn’t your fault! Thank you for sharing your story; it will help another woman realize that she isn’t crazy; and it isn’t her fault either!

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