Sexual Harassment Stories and Experiences

He thought it was okay because I didn’t speak up

Geena, Florida

I work at a restaurant and my supervisor and I are good friends, even though he is quite a bit older. (I’m 19 and he’s 39) We don’t hang out after work, but when we work together, we talk and joke around. We flirt. I’ve been there a while so I’m used to his comments, like he’s told me he thought I was hot, and he’s made some jokes about us hooking up, but nothing serious. We always laugh it off. I had never felt uncomfortable or threatened in the beginning.

But gradually, things became more physical. He started doing more things like rubbing up against me, or putting his hand on my back or around my side. I just got caught up in this whirl wind of excitement and confused emotions. He asked me if I was uncomfortable, and I was. But not enough to where I wanted to say “Yes” because I was afraid it would just make things awkward. So I just said “No.”

The other night things progressed farther, and his hands ended up under my shirt and he felt me up, and was kissing my neck.

The whole time I was thinking, “I need to stop this. This isn’t right.” I was frozen. I couldn’t move or say anything. But I liked him as a friend and as a boss and didn’t want to be mean, or to make things really weird and awkward between us.

Before his hands fully went up my shirt he said “I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable.” and I just didn’t know what to say. I know I’m an idiot because everyone reading this is probably like, you say “Yes! It does make me uncomfortable!”

But when you’re really good friends with someone, and have known them for a long time, it’s hard to say “No.” I was just too nice to say it. And the whole thing really did make me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t like it, and I do not want it to happen again.

I’m not even mad at him because I feel like it’s all my fault. He thought it was okay to do because I didn’t speak up. I can’t really blame him and that makes me angry at myself. I just feel as if it’s my fault, and I can’t really say anything now. And I know the law of sexual harassment states that it must be “unwelcome advances” and this was unwelcome, but it wasn’t like I tried to stop it. I feel like an idiot.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 14th, 2008 at 12:14 pm and is filed under Sexual Harassment in the Workplace. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

5 Responses to “He thought it was okay because I didn’t speak up”

Shontae Says:
March 25th, 2008 at 9:57 am
you should have spoken up sooner!!!!!!!!
Hannah Says:
March 27th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
It’s not your fault. As an adult he should know better and should not be messing with you in the first place. Yes you could have said something, but it is hard and at such a young age it’s also confusing. Don’t blame yourself, but do tell him how you feel.
Marie Says:
March 29th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
this is definetly not ur fault..and u arent an idiot because u value ur friends and didnt want to hurt his feelings..but since u didnt tell him that time that u felt uncomfortable u have to do it now ..get in his office in a calm tone and say it didnt feel alright and if hes married or whatever use that as an excuse or say u have a bf and he wouldnt like if he heard anything abt it..if u dont and he knows it just arrange with a friend to come pick u up from work that day to convince him…and tell him u hope that doesnt change ur relationship bt make it clear u dont want ur hands anywhere Near u again or ull report him in a friendly tone if he doesnt understand then just report him..people like that are not even worth t look at them let along be friends with them..
you can do it =))
Lisa Says:
April 7th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Sorry, I can’t go with the flow here. The reality is, Geena, you are an adult too and at the time, you wanted that excitement of the older man/boss wanting you. Afterward, you were ashamed of yourself - you felt dirty. This is all human nature, but doesn’t fit true sexual harrassment. You both share equal blame. Don’t act like you were 12-14 and didn’t understand what was going on. Be true to your experience and only then will you come to terms with it and move on, unless, of course, you’re just vying for the attention.
Dominique Says:
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Wherever there is inequality of power it is up to the person with the most power to ** leave subordinates alone ** . The rule should be that anyone in a position of power should absolutely wait for the subordinate to show very explicit interest *before* saying the least thing. I was in the same situation and felt very confused and guilty because I felt *sorry* for this a$$hole and he made me **pay** for eventually saying anything.