Go get yourself some help
Kella, Nebraska
A guy at work and I became friends. We are both married, but his is in the ditch. I tried to help him get resourceful information to help his marriage situation.
But he crossed the line. He started to call me “hun” and “babe.” He started keeping an eye on who I was talking to and going to break with. He would wait for me to come into work and also finish my shift.
Then he invited me to bed, not only once but multiple times. He said his wife was okay with certain sexual acts being performed outside of their home
I turned him in. What happened after that? NOTHING!!!!! They talked to me, and gave me a counseling card. They basically said, go get yourself some help.
He didn’t get into trouble because it’s a he said/she said situation even though there are written messages that they can look at, and people heard him say some outrageous things to me.
I am now not comfortable in my work environment and it’s really having it’s effect on my ethic at work. It’s also making me question why we have laws and written policies if they are not going to be followed.
I really don’t know what to do or where to turn at this point.
if you have access to the internet call several lawyers. find out who will work “probono”. Start a lawsuit. You can sue if you have solid documentation. Since this is not an isolated event that is what I would do. I would also bring a small tape recorder to work. Never let anyone you have the tape recorder. Keep it on your person and hit the record button when this guy is making advances and speech. Before you do any of this you do need to get help from a bonifide counselor you trust. Learn from them what is appropriate so that when you are in the office with this person you are certain you are not feeling guity or accused of inviting this behavior. I am just saying make sure there is no shadow of doubt at any time that you are not inviting this behavior. Your perseverance must be 115% forward, aggressive but not inappropriate. If none of these options work for you then ask to be moved away from the area that he is located. From this day forward you should keep a notebook and everyday after work write down what happened in your eyes. But be diplomatic. It is a journel soley for your personal thoughts. No one should ever have access to this notebook except for you… Expect retailition (which is illegal). Do your research on the internet and print out information. Keep a file about sexual harrassment. Do whatever you have to redefine your boundaries. Personally I think initimacy whatsoever in the office is uncalled for but others would argue with me. People say intimacy in the workplace is a given because humans are by nature intimate beings who need other people. I disagree completely because men are fare more willing to pursue an intimate feelings than women are. Men are more emotional than women when it comes to be told “No”.
Take yourself serious. See yourself as a man because though the statistics say men have been sexually harrassed at work it is nothing like a woman who is sexually harrassed. The statistic say 59% of sexually harrassed men say that they were harrassed by women. I seriously doubt that is true. I hope you find a counselor that is phenomenal. They are out there and can help you get back on your feet.
I think this story illustrates one of the frustrating aspects of harassment, that it is in the eye of the beholder. From the inside, you know when this friend started to cross boundaries, and he probably knew it too. But from the outside, it can seem like you chose his friendship, you invited personal communication (helping him with his marriage), and that you’re having a hard time setting boundaries with him.
I have to admit, as a woman who works with a lot of men, that I am extremely cautious about my personal dealings with men at work, especially men who express ambivalence about their primary relationship. It can make me seem stand-off-ish, but it helps lower the risk of confusion or hurt feelings. It also helps me, in the case of jerks, make a case that I didn’t invite the intimate contact.
I hope this doesn’t come across as blaming the victim, that’s not my intent. But the point is that you can use the same tactic now; you’ve reported him, he should have no reason to be unclear about your lack of interest from this point forward, and ongoing behavior should be legally actionable.