Speak Up!

Broken

     I am 24 years old and was recently fired from a job that I excelled at, was passionate about, and had been very excited about.  I was an assistant coach of a division 1 athletic team while attending graduate school.  I had been so passionate about this sport my entire life and earned a full athletic scholarship to play this sport in college.  Sports always proved to be the way I could focus my energy (I struggle a great deal with hyperactivity/academics) and channel my emotions.  It is important to understand how much I loved this sport to understand what this man has done to me. 

     From the day I arrived at my job, my boss began asking me about my sex life, making crude jokes, and telling me about his fantasies. 

     This man is around my father’s age and, while recruiting me for the position, came off as a person that would look after me my like a father.  I was extremely confused by his behavior and didn’t know how to handle it.  So I chose to ignore it and to strongly hint that I was not interested in him.

      Obviously that did not work and he did not get the hint, or chose to ignore it, and things got markedly worse.  I constantly received text messages from him outlining his fantasies involving me, asking me to respond and take part in his fantasies.  I very clearly said “No.”  He would constantly plead with me to “at least have phone sex” with him, masturbate for him to watch, or let him listen to me masturbate over the phone. 

     I was repulsed and let him know that I was adamantly opposed to doing this.  I was raised Catholic and have strong Christian faith, so I’m pretty opposed to masturbation.  But I do understand sexuality.  It’s not like I’m naive or a prude. 

     He took my response as a request for him to teach me how to do it and the next few weeks were filled with text messages on the subject of masturbation instructions.

      As filthy and violated as he made me feel, I felt as though he hadn’t done anything that I could make that big of a deal of.  So, again, I ignored it. 

     Then one day he picked me up to go to a practice session with the team.   (We often rode together because we lived in the same apt. complex.)   After I got in the car, I looked over at him and I saw that he was exposed and was stroking himself.  He had a haunting grin on his face and he stared at me with that grin for what seemed like an eternity.  I was speechless and couldn’t find the words to even tell him how inappropriate he had been and how much he had crossed the line.  

     My silence in that car gave him the confidence to try and grab and feel me any chance he had.  I felt so disgusting any time he even looked at me.  The more confident he got in my inability to stick up for myself, the worse his behavior got. 

     He became so obsessed with making me uncomfortable and his obsession turned into stalking.  He entered my apartment while I wasn’t home and would make comments that would make me suspect he had been in my home.  I don’t know for sure, but I believe he came into my apartment while I showered and slept as well.

     I thank God that I’m now back in my hometown and in a safer environment. But unfortunately, I have no sense of security.  I have nightmares every night, if I actually fall asleep.  I’m experiencing severe panic attacks. (I actually begged my mom to take me to the hospital because I truly believed I was having a heart attack one time!)  I’m just not myself.  I always used my sport to help me deal with my emotions, but the thought of playing makes me so anxious and sometimes physically ill.  People tell me not to let him take that from me, but why should I let him win by putting myself in a situation where I know I’ll experience those terrible feelings?

     Sometimes I feel like I’m being a baby about all of this.  I get upset because I’m terrified the majority of the time.  I want to get back to feeling like myself so badly.  Worst of all, I have the most caring, thoughtful, beautiful boyfriend and am having such a hard time with intimacy, both physical and emotional.  He is incredibly patient and sincere and truly cares for me, but I am terrified that I will never be back to normal and will rob him of the happiness he deserves. 
     This website has really been helpful to me and you all know how this feels.  If anyone has advice or comments for me, I will be so grateful.  I have an attorney on my side, but the real hurdle is the psychological damage so many of us suffer.  I pray for everyone on this site and wish you all luck.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 11th, 2009 at 12:28 pm and is filed under Effects of Harassment, Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, The Absolute Worst: Our Hall of Shame. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.