I hit him and ran as fast as I could
Maryan, California
This happened a year ago, when I was a junior in High School.
At first I didn’t pay much attention to what was happening. There is a guy who goes to my school. I started seeing him every where I went, i.e. if I went to a store or a burger restaurant. I just told myself that I kept seeing him everywhere because we live in a small town. But his actions were escalating. He went from just following me to becoming friends with my close friends and he started hanging out with us.
I told my friends I was concerned about this, but they just told me I was being paranoid.
Every time I saw “Andrew” he would hang me for a long time and say I looked good. And he always came up to me and hugged me from behind and kissed my neck. This went on for a while.
Andrew was always asking me out and I always told him “No.” At first when I rejected him he would be nice and say OK. But after a while, every time I said “No” he became mad and called me names.
I thought he would eventually get a hint and leave me alone.
I don’t know how, but he got my cell number and started texting me. At first I ignored him but then he starting sending me messages saying things like “If you don’t go out with me I’ll kill myself.”
After a while I felt guilty, so I accepted. I wish I hadn’t.
We were in his car when he said that he needed to go back to his house. So he drove back and asked me, “Do you want to come in?”
I didn’t really trust him so I said, “No thanks.”
But then he said that his parents wanted to meet me. So I went in. But there was no one in the house.
All of a sudden he grabbed me and kissed me, taking me by surprise. I pushed him off, but he kept trying to kiss me again. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. He just laughed when I tried to push him off because I couldn’t since he was bigger and stronger. He pushed me to the floor and unzipped my pants.
I panicked and started kicking wildly, and I hit him between the legs and he got off me. I ran as fast as I could and got out. I ran all the way home.
I told my mom what happened, but she told me that it was my fault. She said that I was asking for it by going into his house. I couldn’t believe my mom blamed me for almost getting raped.
Now, I constantly blame myself. If I had just said ”No” to the date, this wouldn’t have happened. I see him every single day at school. I feel embarrassed, scared and helpless. I don’t know what to do.
Maryan, feel very proud you fought him off. You are not to blame for what happened. This jerk is to blame! You just need to learn to trust your instincts more, which were telling you this guy is bad news.
Please go to a rape crisis center or women’s center near your home to get some support and counseling. I am sure they can help you better understand what you are dealing with now. They will probably be able to help your mother better understand how to help you, too. Go to http://www.rainn.org and they will be able to hook you up with a crisis center near where you live. (All counseling is free.) -Jennifer
you shouldn’t feel embarassed when you see this guy, he should feel ashamed. i understand where you would feel like that though because something similar happened to me only not quite as bad. it makes feel stupid and like you want to diappear. But really you just have to look past it and think that you were lucky that more didn’t happen. Learn form it and move on and continue to me happy
I just was writing about persistance and how much it affects people’s decisions because persistance goes a long way in this life especially if you are a nice person. I sometimes feel like I could be talked into anything because I am trying to be nice to people. I too have been in situations similar to this one and I too didn’t follow my instincts it is sometimes hard to trust even yourself in these situations especially when someone is saying they are going to kill themselves. It makes you feel like somehow you are going to be blamed for that. Which I don’t think he would have but like I said you just never know. He was saying that to make you feel bad and to do what he wanted you to do. It was his power statement if you will. To gain back control of the situation. See you were in control by saying “no” to his request and he responded by saying he was going to kill himself so that he could get that control back.
When I was in my teens, twenties and even up to my late thirties, I was relatively easily manipulated because I was raised to be “nice”. What I have learned over the years is that I am only required to be “nice” when my instincts give me the green light to do so. These days, no matter what kind of threat is sent my way, if I sniff out even a whiff of manipulation the other parties words fall on my deaf ears when it comes to my emotions. I feel no guilt, remorse, shame or any other emotion when I am faced with circumstances that I have not created, intended or desired to be any part of. Likewise, I take full responsibility when the fault is truly mine, and I endeavour to live with integrity and dignity every moment. I remain compassionate, however I am no longer a doormat.
From what I can decipher from what you’ve said, anything you have done you have done with the belief that your actions would reduce harm to yourself or another person. This approach is the right one when you are dealing with people who are honest, forthright and possessing healthy self-esteem. That is not the case with this guy. You have NO obligation to this insecure, controlling, abusive person. No obligation to give in, feel guilty or feel any shame for any of your actions.
While there are many out there, THIS particular male is NOT an honourable male deserving of your respect, compassion or consideration. Quite the opposite. Feel no obligation to this person whatsoever – or to any other male possessing similar traits in the future. You will still be a “good” and “nice” person. The difference is that the energy you exude will come from an empowered place, not a place of self-doubt. Predators of every kind can sniff out self-doubt from 1000 yards, just as easily as a wild cat can single out what member of a herd will be the easiest prey. As human beings we do have a few advantages over the wild kingdom. Trust your instincts in future.
I think you handled the situation with courage and did the best you could once you realized you were in peril. Do not take your mother’s response to heart. Her response is very much like what my mother or sister would have said to me in similar circumstances, however it is nothing like what I have taught my daughters or my son. You entered his fellow’s home in good faith, believing his parents were home. Your instinct to not trust him has been proven correct. He betrayed your good faith. Thank God he did so at that point. If he had actually done something right you may have began to trust him and found yourself in a far worse position in the future.
You have learned something valuable from this experience. When your instincts are sending you a red light, listen to it. If you’re getting a yellow light (i.e. feeling unsure whether to trust or not), stay out of harm’s way until the signal is clearer (red or green – chances are it will be red). If you’re getting a green light and you can feel the “rightness” of the situation resonating as truth in every part of your being, then trust it and go with it.
In the absence of this kind of absolute certainty, particularly where you could be placed in physical and/or emotional peril, don’t proceed. If the signal is red or yellow remove yourself to a place where you’ll feel safe. Remember that the best cons appear completely innocent at face value. Trust yourself as a woman. God may have given men more physical strength, but S/He gave us intuition, “the smarts” and many other “gifts” to more than make up for the difference. ;) :)
I think the moderators advice is good. I would also add that women’s shelters may be the best place to seek advice on dealing with this person’s stalking methods since what you have described here is a male with no respect for women – a spouse abuser in the making. Having sought preliminary advice from a women’s shelter before leaving my abusive marriage years ago, I think you’ll find that the staff can offer assistance with legal advice as well as counselling and other supports, even if you’re not living there.
You’re becoming a young woman. The best gift you can give yourself is your right to be you. Don’t be afraid to claim your power. You may even want to consider enquiring about women’s groups in your area where the women have become empowered (no longer feeling like victims) and may be willing to provide you with the kind of emotional support that it sounds like you may not be receiving at home.
I feel your fear and your pain – and I remember being in the same place myself. You’re in a scary place right now, but just know that you don’t have to stay there. Once you claim your power as a woman you’ll find that people won’t mess with you. I can’t explain how it works, it just does. It doesn’t mean that you’ll become rude, obnoxious or overbearing. It’s about possessing a quiet strength that people respect. You’ll understand it when you get there – and you will. You’re a fighter!
God Bless You,
Cindy
No disrespect intended toward your mom, but there’s something seriously wrong with her if she thinks you were asking for it! NO ONE asks to be attacked and/or raped! You did nothing wrong! Yeah, you went into his house, but because he told you something that wasn’t true and you probably believed him because maybe to you he doesn’t seem like the type to do what he did. I’m so happy you were able to get away from him. You have nothing to feel ashamed of or embarassed about. Nothing. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened.
Sincerely,
Taylor
No matter what ANYONE says, you did not invite his advances by going into his house.
I am very proud of you for fighting him off, and to top that off, possibly stop him from having any perverted children!