I was afraid to lose my job
Lindsey
I recently had an issue with my boss where he was hitting on me CONSTANTLY. Because he was my boss, I was scared to make him angry. So when he would text and call I would just play along with the situation. I was scared to jeopardize my current position at work.
Soon he was physically touching me at work and telling me to touch him. Then it got worse than just touching, and he asked for oral sex 4 times. Also, he tried to force me to have sex with him twice. Thank goodness I forced him off the first time, and he got interrupted the second time, so that never happened.
When I tried to leave the situation he would grab my hand and not let me leave. If I said no he would not let me leave. He thought I was playing, “hard to get,” but I wasn’t. I did not know what to do to make this stop because I was scared of getting fired and with the worsening economy I did not feel I could find another job that would work with my schedule.
I finally told my boyfriend of 2 years what had been happening and how I was a cheater. He told me that I was not a cheater and that I was being harassed.
I was scared of confronting my boss face to face, so I wrote him a letter that stated how I only went along with things because I was afraid to lose my job and that now I was seeking counseling because of the things he had done. I told him that I never wanted to be involved with him and that each time something occurred I was scared and how it has made me not want to attend work.
He has since apologized and even called himself a “rapist.” He asked if I was going to try to destroy his marriage or turn him in at work. I told him that I just wanted to drop it and move on.
Truthfully, I wanted to turn him into HR. But I had nothing on camera and no physical proof of anything. So it would have gotten me nothing but embarrassment and a long drawn out investigation.
After I came clean with my boyfriend and my boss I felt MUCH better and my guilt was washed away. However, I am still in the same position at work and still have the same boss. My guilt keeps resurfacing but I do not want to bring it up to my boyfriend again and again because he does not want to revisit the experience. I do not know how to cope with the fact that I feel like I cheated on the one I love and plan to marry.
My boss has since asked me questions suggesting he wants to bring these things up again and I was stronger this time and just walked away. That very same day I used my strength to write him an e-mail explaining that he had made me very uncomfortable. I want out of this job but I can’t succeed with that until I graduate.
Lindsay, a lot of people have shared that they gave in to an harasser when he was their boss or a teacher because they were afraid of getting fired, or being flunked, etc. This is not an imaginary concern. Retaliation in school and in the workplace against people who say “No” to demands for sexual attention happens all the time. It’s one of the reasons many experts argue there is no such thing as a consensual sexual relationship between a superior and a subordinate.
You deserve a lot of credit for beginning to confront what has been happening in your workplace. Also, I am amazed your boss has taken responsibility for what he has done. This is so rare. –Jennifer
When my SH was happening at work I felt the same way you are describing. I felt like I was cheating on my boyfriend because I was just joking and laughing it all off. There were many reasons I decided to tell on him and that was one.
When you said that you don’t want to keep bringing it up but you still have this urge and the memories keep flooding back. I have this too. I think they refer to it as triggers or flashbacks. I have flashbacks really bad. It feels sometimes like my SH just happened. It consumes me. I have joined the forum and I get to vent to all the members now about my flashbacks and how I feel and how everything makes me feel and I have learned that people that have went through this have the same reactions and emotions that I do. They ask the same what if quesitons and worry about the same things so how you are feeling is normal. Even though it doesn’t seem like it.
I don’t want to bring it up anymore to my boyfriend either. He doesn’t fully understand and he doesn’t know how to respond but you said that when you did tell him that he said it was SH. I think that was so good of him to make you feel safe and that he believed you and trusted in you. He sounds like a good guy and what you did wasn’t cheating even though it may feel like that. I know it is hard and you have lots of emotions and fears right now. You hang in there. ok
Vangogh
p.s.
My harasser took responsiblity for his actions too which like Jennifer said is very rare. That in itself took a lot of the load off my shoulders. Because most of the time they don’t fess up to it. They most of the time are cowards and they try to flip the whole situation over to make it look like you are at fault. If you are going to continue to work there document everything. ok
Thank you so much for your comments and positive feedback. Today is a bad day but there are good ones too which I try to focus on. I am only working here until December hopefully but I have begun to document everything so that I at least have it in my personal files in case he would ever try to point fingers.
Here is a question I can continually wonder about. I wake up everyday thinking about it and I have the flashbacks you referred to all day and then I have nightmares. Does this go away when you get out of the job you are in? I feel like I have so many simply because I know I have to go to work there six days a week. Time heals all wounds I hear…I hope it does with this as well. Thanks again.