My boss seems to think the whole situation is my fault
Jenny
I was just hired less than a year ago into an IT department and was transferred from one team to another about two months ago. The new team I’ve been assigned to never had a girl before on their small team. Two of them wanted to get to know me as a friend and colleague, which I was fine with because the entire team’s dynamics is like that. They are supportive of each others life and work struggles, and I wanted to fit in and prove myself to being a valuable asset to the team.
The problem actually started right when I transferred, but I didn’t recognize them as at that time. Two of my team members took me to lunch, where they heckled me about why I’m not married and that I’m such a beautiful girl and why I’m living with my boyfriend, etc. Then I was assigned to one of them to learn the systems he managed. He told me he personally asked my boss to let him take me under his wings and help catch me up to speed.
This coworker started opening up and talking about his marriage problems. I would listen and even give him advice because that was what everyone else on the team did, and I really wanted to fit in.
But then he started saying things like, “If only you and I could be together,” because “I just want to know what it’s like to care for someone who cares back”, and, “I’ll buy you lingerie if you model it for me in private.” He said that if he knew he could get me to leave my boyfriend, he’d do it in a heartbeat.
And every time, I’d tell him I wanted him to stop because it made me feel irritated.
He didn’t listen. He’d say that I was being too sensitive and that I need to lighten up because he could joke with other girls at work and they’d be fine with it.
It took me two months before finally letting both my old and my new boss know about it because I didn’t want to face the facts about this person whom everyone else regards as an extremely nice fellow who could do no wrong. My new boss said he didn’t know how to deal with such a serious matter and went straight to HR and Legal. They promptly conducted an investigation and found nothing (which I knew would happen) because the offenses were all behind closed doors. The offender tole them he was just joking and I never made it clear that it made me upset.
To make things worse, I just had a quarterly review with my boss, and in it he said that the whole “situation” ruined his plan on having me take over the offender’s systems that he managed. He continued on, saying that he has to have a sit-down weekly discussion on what I’m accomplishing because he’s “scrambling” trying to find me something to keep busy with. He said that it’ll be an uphill battle for me to get the rest of the team to feel comfortable enough to talk and work with me.
What really took the cake though was when he said three or four times in my performance review that the offender’s feelings were hurt by the whole situation and that he’s deeply saddened and is no longer such an open person.
Whether my boss meant it or not, it seems like he’s supportive of, and believes in, the offender, that I’m lying, and that the whole situation is my fault and that I victimized this person.
So when my boss also stated that young IT workers such as myself generally don’t stay with the company until retirement like my offender is, I felt very threatened. It sounded like he was warning that I should start looking for another job.
All three of us–myself, my boss, and the offender–still have one meeting together left with our higher-ups, but I have no idea what will be said. I’m at my wits end. I’ve had situations like this before since I’ve graduated from high school, but this is the first time I’ve ever spoken up, and for what? I feel like it’s a moot point and should just stay at home the rest of my life to avoid these situations permanently.
I understand your concerns. The victim is often blamed for the harassment. But right now, it’s sounds like your boss is just sharing his own feelings about what has happened. Sexual harassment is very damaging to a team. It hurts everyone and he may not be meaning to blame you. Most harassment targets feel guilt over what happened, and this could affecting your perceptions of what is going on right now.
That being said, your coworker has lied about what happened, saying you never complained to him about his behavior. You need to be documenting everything that happens from now on. If it is legal where you live, use a voice activated tape recorder to document your interactions with him. Maybe you could get him to talk to you about why he lied, and record it–now you have got some proof! Also, if the harassment continues, or there is retaliation, you need proof of what is going on.–Jennifer
I am frustrated for you! I’m not really a hugger but I want to give you a huge hug …or better yet take you to a kick boxing class. I’m going to one Thursday. My body no doubt can use the exercise and I enjoy seeing my harASSer’s face/body on the bag.
You’re in my prayers girl! Be true to yourself! Its true all this junk can make us… emotional? I am normally a true believer of follow your instincts but recently I have to question my motives and stability. I guess what I’m saying is …don’t listen to me. hahaa
God bless us! We need You! <3
I am glad that you did say something though because you never know how far situations can go. He may have just started out saying comments and making jokes but trust me it leads other places. Bad bad places.
Definately document everything from here on out. Everything even if it seems trivial. Times, Names, dates, exactly what was said and done.
You said that you had situations like this before and you didn’t stand up and say something. I was the same way all throughout school I had teachers and coaches say and do things to me that I felt were inapropriate but I literally convinced myself that it was just part of the education system. I mean I saw it happen on TV and in movies I just thought that it was normal. Then, after I got out of college and started working in sales I realized that it didn’t just happen in school it happened at work too! I would have never thought that in a professional atmosphere that would happen. I was so naive.
I agree with Jennifer about taking a step back and making sure that your new boss isn’t just concerned for the team. And it will be hard for the team to trust you but only because you are new to the team not to mention they are all guys so they probably think you are a trouble maker or that you will say the same thing about them. So they have to be careful with what they say to you. It goes both ways now though since you you did speak up. Every situation from here on out will be different and you will feel different and people will treat you different not bad necessarily just different. Unfortuantly that just comes with the territory or at least it has in my case.
Vangogh
ps Good luck with that next meeting I hope it goes well.
The whole thing continued to be a nightmare, and lawyers got involved. They basically made every mistake on how not to handle such a situation. I have documented proof and (once I continued writing down info) finally remembered that I also have witnesses to both the harasser and the company’s action/retaliation. I had to report damaged property on site, too. Yet despite the lawyers getting involved, the company still tries to bully me with one-on-one meetings.
btw: my boss took notes of my performance immediately after the complaint. When he couldn’t find anything wrong (and I was given a lot to keep me busy and fighting battles with higher-ups), he said that I obviously find it too easy or have plenty of time on my hands, and that I need more workload until I reach a breaking point.
Yup, documented, too. He even signed stuff for me and said it was to find my weaknesses.
Unfortunately I didn’t heal up from a recent ER visit like I thought, so I’m on medical leave until further notice.
I left a lot out (!) in this reply, but I think it’s fairly accurate to say that this could easily wind up as a case-study if it goes to court. Absolutely ridiculous but I’m hanging in there :).
Okay, I take it all back. Sounds like your boss was blaming you, after all. He actually admitted he was on a mission to find your weaknesses after you made the complaint? What a stupid man! If you are such a weak worker, why did he have such big plans for you before you made the complaint? They aren’t just trying to retaliate against you, they are sharing their plan for it ahead of time.
Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is the norm, not the acception. I hope you have gotten a good lawyer.–Jennifer
I’m having something similar happening to me right now my boss is harrasing me sexualy and now personal i dont know what to do . because he can find what to do to me to fire me he is going after me friends and puting ppl against me at work and going crazy i don’t event want to go to work anymore. Work became hell.