I want my life back
Misha
I am being stalked right now. I struck up a conversation with a co-worker and invited him to see a live band I love. He seemed lonely, but we connected with music. I introduced him to my friends and he seemed to be okay. I wouldn’t date him because he always bragged about fights he used to get into.
I tried to be nice which I am now realizing was a grave mistake. He claimed he “fell in love” with me even though we didn’t date. I even tried to set him up with a girl, but he broke up with her because he said he was “not over” me.
He started following me everywhere and showed up randomly at places where my kids and I stopped on a whim. He said it was a coincidence. He followed me, wrote me letters. He kept coming over to my house uninvited to bring me gifts and food. He even went so far as to copy my blogs and tape them in a notebook to “keep me close to him.”
Everyone called him my “puppy.” We all thought it was just a joke. Just a silly crush.
Then he told me he wanted to pay me for sex and when I refused, he got really angry and said I would like it because he “Loved me so much and I would realize one day I loved him too.”
I took all his dishes from the food he kept dropping off at my house back to his house and told him to leave me alone and never have contact with me again.
He turned violent. Later, he told a woman we both know there was nothing in his life a gun couldn’t fix and then started hanging around my workplace. However, my co-workers are unwilling to testify to this fact as he was fired for sexual harassment and was “creepy”, and they think he may turn on them violently.
He lives 2 streets over and the police keep telling me it’s just a coincidence when he is behind me on the road I travel to and from work.
I am terrified.
I have gotten a temporary restraining order. I went to court to have it made permanent but he is contesting it so the judge has issued another date for a hearing.
I have lost everyone close to me as they want no part of this and are scared of him. I have started therapy but I am still scared of what he will do to me again. I feel so alone. I want my life back.
This is stalking. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Please take this very serious. Every time he breaks the order call the police document e-mails, texts, phone calls, and keep a running log. Evently, the police will have to help. Take pictures on cellphone if possible, this will date and time the harassment, and always take someone with you when you can. And always remember that your true friends and family will stick by you no matter how crazy it gets.
Your situation is very concerning.
Consider taking some self-defense classes and let it be widely known you’re doing so. Learning how to shoot and use a gun can be very self-empowering. I post a used bulls-eye target on my cube wall, in an inconspicuous place of course, to let all the guys know I have a gun and can use it.
Advice police and district attorneys have given me is to move across country. I know it seems inconvenient, but your life is in danger; priorites. Don’t go to the job he knew, the spots you frequented, the friends and family’s places, the apartment he knew.
When you move, (and I really hope you’ve moved by now-)request a confidential address from your state. (California provides dv victims with a confidential PO BOX in their “Safe at Home” program.)Get an additional phone line, with new number. Set up an additional password with all your utility companies, cell phone, credit card, bank and everything else which may list your personal information of any kind. Put a po box on your driver’s license, preferably from a different town. LADP claims the most effective security system is a dog. Though you need to be able to be a responsible dog owner, and don’t want to put your animal in danger, if kept indoors they can alert you to intruders, and if the right dog, may deter. You will want to check that windows and doors and locks are secure, and not the type of locks you can pick (ask in Home Depot which brand is best). Choose a place with metal doors, involved neighbours and install a good deadbolt and motion sensor light. If you have a photo of him, let your neighbours have a copy, inform them he is breaking the law by approaching your building. Don’t be embarassed it is in their best interest to be informed as well, and you did nothing to “ask” for this.
In case you haven’t yet, find a good volunteer from the Domestic Violence clinic at a courthouse, and drill them for resources (for financial, pro-bono assistance, and more) and a safety plan.
An addendum to Sherry Timbushes post, don’t expect your friends to understand, and try not to hold it against them. Stalking is irrational behaviour, and I’ve had a certified social worker tell me she’s encountered victims who were themselves in denial, because facing the reality was too great an emotional hurdle. So to ask friends in your shoes to understand is a tall order. It is peoples’ tendency to try to rationalize irrational behaviour, and blame the victim. But as frustrating as fighting for your rights and freedom will be for you in this situation, remember that you are not alone. For a year and a half I was cut off from friends who didn’t know how to deal with a crisis that lasted so long. But for the most part, they are all back in my life. Don’t give up advocating for yourself! And don’t give up hope. Keep thorough documentation, hope, and perservere.