Speak Up!

Simone, Trinidad

     Yesterday,  my boss approached me with sexual advances.  I was stunned.  I could not believe this was happening.  I did not know what to do, what to say, or who to talk to.  I thought, I  will tell him I did not like what he did and continue to work there.   But the way I felt,  I could not go back to work.  So I left the job. 

     His wife and daughter also works there.  I told his wife over the phone what he did and I would not be back .  Now they are talking about what I used to wear must have led him on.  

     But all I  wear are normal black pants and a shirt, nothing to tight or to revealing.   

     They have made me feel like it was my fault.

Misha

     I am being stalked right now. I struck up a conversation with a co-worker and invited him to see a live band I love. He seemed lonely, but we connected with music. I introduced him to my friends and he seemed to be okay. I wouldn’t date him because he always bragged about fights he used to get into.

     I tried to be nice which I am now realizing was a grave mistake. He claimed he “fell in love” with me even though we didn’t date. I even tried to set him up with a girl, but he broke up with her because he said he was “not over” me.

     He started following me everywhere and showed up randomly at places where my kids and I stopped on a whim. He said it was a coincidence. He followed me, wrote me letters. He kept coming over to my house uninvited to bring me gifts and food. He even went so far as to copy my blogs and tape them in a notebook to “keep me close to him.”

     Everyone called him my “puppy.” We all thought it was just a joke. Just a silly crush.

     Then he told me he wanted to pay me for sex and when I refused, he got really angry and said I would like it because he “Loved me so much and I would realize one day I loved him too.”

     I took all his dishes from the food he kept dropping off at my house back to his house and told him to leave me alone and never have contact with me again.

     He turned violent.  Later, he told a woman we both know there was nothing in his life a gun couldn’t fix and then started hanging around my workplace.  However, my co-workers are unwilling to testify to this fact as he was fired for sexual harassment and was “creepy”, and they think he may turn on them violently.

     He lives 2 streets over and the police keep telling me it’s just a coincidence when he is behind me on the road I travel to and from work.

     I am terrified.  

     I have gotten a temporary restraining order. I went to court to have it made permanent but he is contesting it so the judge has issued another date for a hearing.     

     I have lost everyone close to me as they want no part of this and are scared of him. I have started therapy but I am still scared of what he will do to me again. I feel so alone. I want my life back.

Amber

     I’ve been working at my job for a little over a year, and since the second or third month that I’ve been working here I’ve been harassed by my boss.  I was blind to it at first.  It’s a small, private company and I am the only female working in the office.  It is usually just me and my boss. 

     It started out in the lunch room one day with a comment from him saying “You’re not too young for me, but I’m too old for you,” and “Age is nothing but a number.” 

     I didn’t get what he was referring to at first, and just laughed about it.  I did remind him that I was seriously involved with someone my own age and was very happy with him. 

     Later he started doing things like playing with my hair, and massaging my shoulders.  He would tell me things like he wants to run away with me and buy me diamonds and plan a plot to have my boyfriend taken care of so he is no longer around.  (It still makes me shudder thinking about it.)

     I would lean forward and tell him to stop but he wouldn’t take me seriously and just smile and walk away.      

     I was furious.  Numerous times I’ve had to confront him and tell him how inappropriate it is for him to say things like that to me and it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and it’s wrong.  Every time he promised he would stop and it would never happen again.  He’s a liar. 

     It happened yesterday again.  He ordered some company shirts for a few people and asked me if I could try one on for him.  

     I said, absolutely not. 

     Then a minute later he told me about how I filled out my sweater (referring to my breasts).  He immediately apologized and told me “Oh, I forgot I can’t joke with you like that”. 

     I didn’t say anything at the time.  But the next morning I went into his office and confronted him about it.  I told him it needs to stop and I’m sick and tired of it. 

     He yelled at me and told me he apologized and he’s tired of feeling like he’s walking on egg shells around me. 

     I continued to say what I wanted to say and he then starting screaming at me and told me if I don’t like it and if I can’t take a joke then “the door is there, use it.”   Over and over he told me to leave.  He also told me I’m a child and need to grow up and learn how to take a joke. 

     I’m extremely offended and feel very disrespected. I’m afraid of losing my job and I won’t quit because I am well paid and I know I won’t find another job easily right now.  I’m uncomfortable here and I hate my boss so much for doing all of this to me.  I don’t deserve it.

Jenny

     I was just hired less than a year ago into an IT department and was transferred from one team to another about two months ago.  The new team I’ve been assigned to never had a girl before on their small team.  Two of them wanted to get to know me as a friend and colleague, which I was fine with because the entire team’s dynamics is like that.  They are supportive of each others life and work struggles, and I wanted to fit in and prove myself to being a valuable asset to the team.

     The problem actually started right when I transferred, but I didn’t recognize them as at that time.  Two of my team members took me to lunch, where they heckled me about why I’m not married and that I’m such a beautiful girl and why I’m living with my boyfriend, etc.  Then I was assigned to one of them to learn the systems he managed.  He told me he personally asked my boss to let him take me under his wings and help catch me up to speed.

     This coworker started opening up and talking about his marriage problems.  I would listen and even give him advice because that was what everyone else on the team did, and I really wanted to fit in. 

     But then he started saying things like, “If only you and I could be together,” because “I just want to know what it’s like to care for someone who cares back”, and, “I’ll buy you lingerie if you model it for me in private.”  He said that if he knew he could get me to leave my boyfriend, he’d do it in a heartbeat. 

     And every time, I’d tell him I wanted him to stop because it made me feel irritated. 

     He didn’t listen.  He’d say that I was being too sensitive and that I need to lighten up because he could joke with other girls at work and they’d be fine with it.

     It took me two months before finally letting both my old and my new boss know about it because I didn’t want to face the facts about this person whom everyone else regards as an extremely nice fellow who could do no wrong.  My new boss said he didn’t know how to deal with such a serious matter and went straight to HR and Legal.  They promptly conducted an investigation and found nothing (which I knew would happen) because the offenses were all behind closed doors.  The offender tole them he was just joking and I never made it clear that it made me upset.

     To make things worse, I just had a quarterly review with my boss, and in it he said that the whole “situation” ruined his plan on having me take over the offender’s systems that he managed.  He continued on, saying that he has to have a sit-down weekly discussion on what I’m accomplishing because he’s “scrambling” trying to find me something to keep busy with.  He said that it’ll be an uphill battle for me to get the rest of the team to feel comfortable enough to talk and work with me.

     What really took the cake though was when he said three or four times in my performance review that the offender’s feelings were hurt by the whole situation and that he’s deeply saddened and is no longer such an open person.

     Whether my boss meant it or not, it seems like he’s supportive of, and believes in, the offender, that I’m lying, and that the whole situation is my fault and that I victimized this person.

     So when my boss also stated that young IT workers such as myself generally don’t stay with the company until retirement like my offender is, I felt very threatened.  It sounded like he was warning that I should start looking for another job.

     All three of us–myself, my boss, and the offender–still have one meeting together left with our higher-ups, but I have no idea what will be said.  I’m at my wits end.  I’ve had situations like this before since I’ve graduated from high school, but this is the first time I’ve ever spoken up, and for what?  I feel like it’s a moot point and should just stay at home the rest of my life to avoid these situations permanently.

Lindsey

     I recently had an issue with my boss where he was hitting on me CONSTANTLY. Because he was my boss, I was scared to make him angry.  So when he would text and call I would just play along with the situation. I was scared to jeopardize my current position at work.  

     Soon he was physically touching me at work and telling me to touch him. Then it got worse than just touching, and he asked for oral sex 4 times.  Also, he tried to force me to have sex with him twice.  Thank goodness I forced him off the first time, and he got interrupted the second time, so that never happened.

     When I tried to leave the situation he would grab my hand and not let me leave.  If I said no he would not let me leave. He thought I was playing, “hard to get,” but I wasn’t. I did not know what to do to make this stop because I was scared of getting fired and with the worsening economy I did not feel I could find another job that would work with my schedule.

     I finally told my boyfriend of 2 years what had been happening and how I was a cheater.  He told me that I was not a cheater and that I was being harassed.

     I was scared of confronting my boss face to face, so I  wrote him a letter that stated how I only went along with things because I was afraid to lose my job and that now I was seeking counseling because of the things he had done.  I told him that I never wanted to be involved with him and that each time something occurred I was scared and how it has made me not want to attend work.

     He has since apologized and even called himself a “rapist.”  He asked if I was going to try to destroy his marriage or turn him in at work.  I told him that I just wanted to drop it and move on.

     Truthfully, I wanted to turn him into HR.  But I had nothing on camera and no physical proof of anything.  So it would have gotten me nothing but embarrassment and a long drawn out investigation.

     After I came clean with my boyfriend and my boss I felt MUCH better and my guilt was washed away. However, I am still in the same position at work and still have the same boss. My guilt keeps resurfacing but I do not want to bring it up to my boyfriend again and again because he does not want to revisit the experience. I do not know how to cope with the fact that I feel like I cheated on the one I love and plan to marry.

     My boss has since asked me questions suggesting he wants to bring these things up again and I was stronger this time and just walked away. That very same day I used my strength to write him an e-mail explaining that he had made me very uncomfortable. I want out of this job but I can’t succeed with that until I graduate.

 Katie,  New Jersey

     I am 15 years old, a sophomore in high school.
     One day I missed my bus home from school and I saw this guy that I didn’t know but I did know that he took my bus too. I started talking to him, and he said that since I didn’t know how to get home myself he would walk me home.
     Along the way, we talked about ourselves, and I learned that he was a senior, 18 years old, and lived five minutes away from me. He told me his name. He seemed really nice and I thought everything was going fine.
     Then when we were almost home he reached over and started squeezing my breasts and told me that they were just how he liked them.  He didn’t touch me after that for the rest of the whole walk home.
     I know it sounds like nothing really happened which is why I don’t know why I feel so upset about it. I feel guilty and stupid that I didn’t tell him to stop or that I didn’t like it when he was doing it.  I just went along with it and then moved on to another subject.  I feel angry at him for thinking that it was okay to touch me, and I’m angry that he denies it to all that ask him about it.
     I think about it a lot. I think about why I didn’t react. Why didn’t I say anything? It’s getting harder to concentrate too.
     I already have trust problems. I always had them. Its hard to trust people, and I have been working on getting better at that and then this happens when I trust someone to walk me home unharmed.
     I don’t know what to do or how to stop feeling like I should have done something different. Many girls have had it worse than me, much worse. So I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset cause all he did was touch my breasts.

Ann, Maine

     Recently, I started getting text messages from my ex telling me that he was going to kill me.  I brushed them off, as I had moved a couple of times since he and I were together.  Then he sent me messages about what I was doing when I was doing it. He told me about when I was doing the dishes or folding laundry.

     I went to the police and they told me there was nothing they could do. I showed them all the messages. The cop called my ex and warned him away.

     Still, he sent me more text messages.  Then he started sending them to me at work!  On top of this, he left notes in my bag, on my desk, in my car.

     I filed for a Protection Order, but because they can’t find him to serve him the order is not in place yet.

     He broke into my locked car and left a box on my front seat. He told me that it would be the perfect size for my cat. (Although my cat was not inside).

     He broke into house and stole my meds. He emptied out my inhaler and left a message thanking me for inviting him into my locked house. I added dead bolts and locks to all the windows. Before I was able to, he had already broken back into the house and stole some of my jewelry. He has been returning it to me at work.

     I have reported this all to the police, but they really haven’t done anything. They say they are looking for him.

     Meanwhile, I am stuck in my house. I can’t go anywhere without someone going with me. I am constantly looking over my shoulder for him. I’m afraid to go into my driveway alone! I don’t know what to do anymore.

Justme, California

     Well it all started back in November of 2008 when this new employee was training at my job. He would make comments at me, such as “Sexy mama,” and kept asking me out for drinks.  On several occasions we went out as a group after work and he would sit next to me and grab my leg.  I would excuse myself to go the the ladies room many times though the dinner to get away from him.  When he found out I had a boyfriend, he started saying things such as “Let me help you out,” or “I will take care of you, how could you last so long?”  He would grab my breast, laugh and say “I’m Bad!”

     I told my direct supervisor two different times about this.  She didn’t do anything about it.  She didn’t like confrontations with her peers and this individual didn’t report to her directly.

     Instead they fired me.  The excuse they gave was that  I was not following the “Code of conduct,” though this is not true and they had no proof of these allegations.  Its hurts to  know that when you speak up you get retaliated against.

     But once I left the front door of the company, I felt something lifting off my shoulders.  I felt FREEDOM.  I was no longer going to be sexually harassed nor feel afraid or intimidated.

     At this time I have gotten help from doctors and filled a lawsuit against my old employer. I was so afraid to loose my job due to the market conditions. But after all this time, it’s not worth my heart stopping every time I see this individual or just thinking of my old boss and getting mad because she didn’t pay attention to what I had to say.  No ones deserves this treatment or should have to work in a hostile place.

Maryan, California

     This happened a year ago, when I was a junior in High School.

     At first I didn’t pay much attention to what was happening. There is a guy who goes to my school. I started seeing him every where I went, i.e. if I went to a store or a burger restaurant. I just told myself that I kept seeing him everywhere because we live in a small town. But his actions were escalating. He went from just following me to becoming friends with my close friends and he started hanging out with us.

     I told my friends I was concerned about this, but they just told me I was being paranoid.

     Every time I saw “Andrew” he would hang me for a long time and say I looked good. And he always came up to me and hugged me from behind and kissed my neck. This went on for a while.

     Andrew was always asking me out and I always told him “No.” At first when I rejected him he would be nice and say OK. But after a while, every time I said “No” he became mad and called me names.

     I thought he would eventually get a hint and leave me alone.

     I don’t know how, but he got my cell number and started texting me.  At first I ignored him but then he starting sending me messages saying things like “If you don’t go out with me I’ll kill myself.”

     After a while I felt guilty, so I accepted. I wish I hadn’t.

     We were in his car when he said that he needed to go back to his house. So he drove back and asked me, “Do you want to come in?”

     I didn’t really trust him so I said, “No thanks.”

     But then he said that his parents wanted to meet me.  So I went in.  But there was no one in the house.

     All of a sudden he grabbed me and kissed me, taking me by surprise. I pushed him off, but he kept trying to kiss me again.  I told him to stop but he wouldn’t listen.  He just laughed when I tried to push him off because I couldn’t since he was bigger and stronger.  He pushed me to the floor and unzipped my pants.

     I panicked and started kicking wildly, and I hit him between the legs and he got off me. I ran as fast as I could and got out.  I ran all the way home.

     I told my mom what happened, but she told me that it was my fault.  She said that I was asking for it by going into his house.  I couldn’t believe my mom blamed me for almost getting raped.

     Now, I constantly blame myself.   If I had just said  ”No” to the date, this wouldn’t have happened.  I see him every single day at school.  I feel embarrassed, scared and helpless.  I don’t know what to do.

Worried High School Girl,  New York

     This past year was my first year in high school.  Admittedly I was very nervous about it due to the fact I am a very quiet girl with a few good friends.

     Now I’m not quite sure when I started to notice that this boy (whom is 3 years older than myself) was watching me a lot. After a couple of weeks he had found out my E-mail and Cell phone number and was always trying to be in contact with me, and was asking about where I was going and with who. It continued to the point where he left messages playing love songs on my phone, or him saying how depressed he was when he didn’t see my face. I started to really freak out when he started to show up at the places where I was (even my doctor’s appointments).

     I was told by my friend that I am too nice because I hadn’t told the guy how much he was scaring me with his questions, and I never told him to go away.  Finally I worked up the nerve to tell him I wasn’t interested after he snuck up behind me when I was on my way to the bus, picked me up and started to carry me away! (Boy was I happy my two friends were there).

     But he didn’t listen, and he tried to be close to me whenever he could in school. He even dated the girl with the locker next to mine! He left notes in my locker saying he missed talking to me and was always sitting near me or trying to touch my arm.

     I got mad and told him to “Get lost!” again.

     The very next day I was sent to the hospital due to the fact that in gym class he hit my face with a soccer ball, resulting in a concussion.  He told people it was my fault.  But after that, everyone in school saw what was going on and helped me to stand up to him (the teachers were close to useless without proof).

     Over the next few months there has been little to no contact between us. But last week I got an email from him saying again how much he misses me and how sorry he is. His friends also sent me emails saying the same thing (they had done so in the past, urging me to go out with him as well).     

     With the new school year approaching, I’m wondering if he will ever go away.